We found an agency.
We paid for the first application.
We attended the orientation.
We set out to complete the second part of the application process...
when our world halted.
She sat across from me at a crowded table of laughing friends,
she had been a NICU nurse for years and had heard of our adoption story.
She rattled on about this baby that had been left behind by a drug-addicted birth mother.
Abandoned at a few hours old.
"Abandoned? She just left?"
I went home that night to an empty house - my husband miles away at work.
My thoughts following me around,
in the shower - out of the shower
into the kitchen;
crawling into bed.
The words echoed.
This poor child, this innocent child - a victim of selfishness.
How my heart broke like a cursed mirror.
Texting my husband all of my million thoughts in just a few words, he felt what I felt, that feeling like God set up this spontaneous interaction to change our path.
The following evening I attended a birthday dinner. I settled into my seat exposing my heart to a different friend along with the conversation from the previous night. How the depths of my heart had been shattered and our path to adoption changed.
She sat there, taking in every word, searching my soul through my eyes, and said "I have to tell you something..."
She continued to ramble on about how her fiance's mother was given her great-nephew to foster, it was literally her home or the shelter. His mom willingly took the boy in and when they met them they all thought "This is Adam and Brady's child."
My world was turned upside down.
I ran home to text (because calling wasn't possible due to circumstances) my husband everything! When we saw the picture of the child I wept because I had seen him in a dream two years prior (a post on this blog called A Dream, A Purpose).
The situation seemed so hopeful. We couldn't resist the wonderful dream that this child would be ours.
Then the lines became messy.
The court date.
The second court date.
It came. It passed.
The trial is set for October...
Our due date (yes we became pregnant in this time) is set for October.
My world is in a million pieces.
My life so messy I can't even explain my heart without feeling guilty or judged.
I was so angry at God the past three months.
Angry when we found out we were pregnant - is this adoption a cruel joke?
Angry when I found out that the court did not work in favor of the children - is He not hearing our prayers?
Anger radiated from me... and tonight I am done being angry. I am opening my arms and embracing this journey God has in store for us.
I know He hears the prayers for this child in my belly.
I know He hears the prayers for the child growing in my heart. (Baby J or another... I do not know).
I do not know His plan, but I know He is good.
I do not know if we will still adopt this boy, but I know God is faithful.
I do know that adoption is in our future, but I will wait on His timing.
I will wait for Him to provide, and I will continue to be trust because He is my portion and He is unchanging.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
jt is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence,
for the Lord has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.