Jesus Loves Me

Soft suds from face wash dripped past the edge of my chin, and the cotton creases in the towel rubbed lightly in the palm of my hand. The green-blue soul searchers stared back at me as my lips parted to sing,

"Jesus loves me this I know
for the bible tells me so
little ones to him belong
they are weak but he is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me - yes... he does.
Yes, Jesus loves me.

Yes, Jesus loves me, 
the bible tells me so."

The grin wrinkled my rosey cheeks,
I continued to stare back at this joyful reflection.

"Again," I told myself.

"Jesus loves me..." 
Freckles jumped for joy.
"This I know"
and I really did know.

I knew that no matter what pain, sorrow, tragedy, or hate I've lived in, trudged through, or hid from in my life that He - the creator of these freckles, these green-blue eyes, these falling curls, and this only for my ears voice- loved me then and still LOVES ME NOW!

How did I forget this song that I belted out recklessly growing up, that my hands knew how to sing more gracefully than the words stringing out of my lungs, oh this song that I've taught to many young children. How did I separate myself from such a simple reminder that I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING AND I AM DEARLY LOVED?

"The bible tells me so - it tells me so, so many times!"

The bible promises that we are more than conquerors through our Jesus and our God! That nothing can separate us - not life, not death, neither angels or demons, what's happening now nor what will come, no height or depth - no! None of that can separate us from the love God has for his children through his son Jesus (Romans 8:37-38)

The bible declares that even when we were still sinners, still running from God, hurting him, he loved us so much he sent his son, his baby boy, his only child to die for our sins and create a path for us to run to him - the same path that his love runs down to cover all of our trespasses. (John 3:16, Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:9-11).

The bible testifies that he pursues us, he reaches out to us, he is in our midst and among us, he fights for us all because he loves us with a steadfast and unfailing love (Psalms 86:14, Zephaniah 3:17, Exodus 14:14)

The book is filled from beginning to end with a vast array of his love for us. What I needed so desperately to remember was that as I continue to learn how to see Him I will continue to proclaim verbally his love for me... and my love, yes my childish love for the King.

Turn Learning to Learned

*Three Gifts Learned*

Learning is active, ongoing.
It is inhaling and refreshing and filling.
Learning can be immaculate and beautiful or atrocious and perilous.
Yet, changing learning to learned may terrify the feeble, for some days it terrifies me.
Changing learning to learned announces to the world that I now know, therefore I must now show a sense of growth, or in few cases a brilliant epiphany.

Thus composing three things learned does just that... in essence it reveals to you that I now know and am no longer ignorant in that area of life, mastered - who knows- but mindless I am not.

Now, on to three things learned!

{1} I am becoming myself as I begin to engulf my life in the presence of my Jesus.

{2} Having courage is a choice. An every moment of every day kind of choice.

{3} I am old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

Three things that I will shout out to the world, I have learned this!
I know these truths.
I am vulnerable to you calling me out on any of these...

I am no master to any of these, but I am on my way to growing more knowledgeable in these truths. This journey of living in "learned" allows you to continue learning.

By the way! I was vague for many reasons... but mostly I want you to ask me then I will explain each change listed above and how I moved it from learning to well... learned. With a cup of coffee in hand and a heart full of joy, I will explain to you the story, my story, the one written for me by Him. <3

Thankful in the Thicket

It's been a funky few weeks. It's been desultory, thus causing my heart and brain to imitate the sluggish feeling as well. My joy evaporated in the midst of this destructive Texas heat.

Then as I engulfed myself in my friend Whitney's blog, I realized that she was seeking what my heart had been avoiding... thankfulness. Full thankfulness in all I have, am, and where I am at in life. This striving sense of never enough, never enough, never enough has exhausted my heart, my brain, and my spirit.

So here I go for the rest of July, jumping on the thankful wagon using Ann Voskamps July gifts.

{Today: 3 gifts hanging down...}

Maybe this boy is the one motivation and inspiration for my gifts today. Hanging down seems pretty easy when hanging out with a 4 year old.
1). My hands hanging to hold his up
2). My feet hanging down to wrap him in tight on the first ride down the slide and seeing him laugh whole-heartedly.
3). My heart hanging low in humility as I just love, wait, and adore this gift of constant reminders that God just loves us and adopts us. He calls us his own when the world calls us forgotten. He calls us his child when the world shouts abandoned! God, yes, God calls us redeemed when the world calls us scarred.

For this I am so thankful today.

{Here we go in actively seeking joy}

To My Handsome Groom, With All My Heart

Whoa! It is May, the May before June which leads to July. Yes! July 30th. The big 4 letter word - FOUR.

This July we will mark the day Adam almost cried, I laughed when his corsage turned upside down then quickly made friends with the ground, and the unity candles would not light. This July will mark four years since the shaky knees, the wildness in my mind, and the peace of hearing "As The Deer" guide me to my future standing at the end of the burlap cloth aisle.

Four years.

It's not much, no... but it's also so much.
Jars overflowing with laughter, bowls holding so many tears. Countless moments of bending and changing, giving and taking, molding and fitting. My heart cannot fathom that we survived our first year, much less the second. Yet, so many times I yearn for that small one bedroom apartment on the third floor with a tiny full size bed and a partially empty fridge/pantry. I find myself closing my eyes and giggling at our first Thanksgiving and Christmas. The tiny decorations screaming courage to my heart!

I look back on our dreams, our long conversations, the desperation in my voice wanting checklists to find themselves complete (school, graduating, paying off debt) and now I crave for time to halt.  Here's to you my warrior, my prince, my groom... my mister. Here is to you who fought gallantly for us.


To My Handsome Groom,

Your patience for me is unyielding. Your love - ever growing. There is a light in your eyes that shines, it radiates and penetrates the depths of my soul. I know that glow is not from me, nothing I have done or ever will do, but from someone much greater who inhabits all you are in life and all you strive to be.

I am acquainted with your fears and understand your desires. Brave is tattooed on your forehands, and humility pours from your gracious lips. You have taught me so much about devotion. You've been to war for this girl, this princess, this armor bearer to your valiant king. You once let her fly away because you knew what you had poured in made an impact, and she returned. She saw that you were godly, loving, and desired much more than the shallow expectations of this world.

Your work ethic is admirable. Undeniably you were born a great leader. Your actions speak wonders at home and in the grind. The alarm rings, you arise, and the world is a better place. That suit zips up, you jump in your truck, and men - even bosses- are at peace upon your arrival.

Our "girls" or three pups adore you.  How it makes me long for children who will call you their father. Your patience with me unyielding, how blessed any child would be to be held by you and feel security in the light that pours from your soul. I love how you have never held another child but your baby sister, and that one day you will save those unwavering arms of yours for the child we will call ours; how they will find peace in your presence!

My darling, you break barriers following our Jesus. On days I crawl into bed, caving in to defeat from the pains of the day, you confidently march in and proclaim freedom, praying over me for peace. Even when my heart stands there stunned at your spiritual strength, humbled by the grace you pour forth from the savior of the world, I find rest in knowing he welded our hearts together for a purpose, for his uncompromisable plan.

Love, I am overjoyed in knowing you hear his voice, the whisper of our good good father.

Continue on this journey with me. Another four years, then forty more to follow. Let's pursue this walk hand in hand through the luscious fields, the barren lands, the mighty battles, mountains high and valleys low. This journey is a covenant, signed from the depths of our souls. Let us wage on forever more bringing hope from the one who has built this home.


<3 B

I Can't Handle Social Media

Scrolling.
My heart ached.
My mind hurt.

It comes quietly, this pain in my soul.
The thief of joy is off with its prize before realization sets in that I have been robbed.
Robbed of so much more than I tend to realize.

The perfect moments.
The boasting.
The joy.

Even the hard moments.
The broken ones.
With children or jobs.

Painful, so painful for my weak heart to gaze upon.
I know I cannot be alone.
A broken heart tends to find unflaunted company.

Tears hide gracefully.
I close the screen and look away.
Where does this longing come from? This quiet pain?

The problem lies in the face of ignoring,
friends fail to keep touch,
abandonment quickly steps into my life.

A fear since I was young,
a common ground for hatred in my life.
Broken and brim overflowing with despair

my heart cries out to be healed.
"CATCH THAT THIEF!"
Asking. Praying. Hoping.

It slowly seeps back in.
The joy defeating the doubt.
The constant doubt

that I am enough.
that I am precious.
that I am not abandoned, but sought after and known.

The stones chip away
at the thief running freely
crippling it until my hero can catch up.

My hero full of truth,
full of death defying love,
full of forgiveness and grace. Oh, the grace.

He comes back into my sight,
my head bowed - ashamed.
His gaze lifts me up - again, full of grace.

I cry out, I can't handle it!
It magnifies what I don't have,
envy their struggles with my heart's desire.

My hands speaking for me,
my heart shedding tears,
my Jesus kneels before me palms up,

endearing he shows me I'm engraved on his palm,
he digs gently into my heart, my mess, my pain.
Revealing the true beauty, as I cried out I was slain!

Why do you leave me,
not grant me my wishes?
Why do I have to do things the world's way, in their order - they say!

He quiets me again.
Softly, I breathe. I hear his plans,
but I still can't see.

So I step away from the hurt,
I'll hand it over you him, my most treasured jewel.
I'll drop in your hands my alabaster jar,

I will wait. I will pray,
because faith grows stronger
when life is cruel.

Love Song For A Savior

Some songs shape our lives, some we cling closely to for reasons unknown. "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay has been on of my favorite songs since I heard it as a child. Yet, I always stayed in that state of mind - that "one day I would understand... one day I'll run into his arms." Friend, I finally have... I've run full sprint - falling head over heals and tears come freely - ALL THE TIME. So below is the new song I sing based on the original song that I love so dearly for so long:

In open fields of wild flowers
I breathe the air and fly away
I thank my Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language,
Today I understand the meaning of it all

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

How right we are to adore you?
Love, lead me to your banquet hall,
Tell me you, whom I adore - that your banner over me is love.
I searched and found you - now I will not let you go.

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

You say I am altogether beautiful
Lord, you see no flaw in me.
So I cling tightly to your promise,
waiting for you to call my name and say,

"I am so in love with you"

"My heart and eyes they follow you."

White as Snow

"I hear the savior say
Thy strength in deed is small
child of weakness watch and pray
find in me thine all in all.

Jesus paid it all,
all to him I owe,
sin has left a crimson stain,
he washed me white as snow." *

*(May or may not be accurate - completely from memory)

It never hit me until I was in the valley, a literal valley on the edge of Sierra Blanca, how short my presence on the mountain top would be. I had become a little cabin restless, so I decided to take a short run to calm myself when I came across a small creek. Of course I went down to touch the water - ice cold.
Snow cold.


My hand, burning from the water, quickly found comfort in the warmth of its stolen glove. I picked up the pace laughing at myself for recklessly diving my hand into the blood-freezing water. As the run progressed, my mind stayed back at the creek. The creek held tightly to my thoughts not wanting to be removed from my memory. I asked God, yes literally asked, "What's up with that?"
Ha!
Sometimes I humor myself... and sometimes I think God chuckles at me, too.

Then it came... the answer. (I'm sure after God shook his head at his ridiculous child, grinned, and sat down ready to explain what was really up with the fact that the creek would not run free from my attention.)

"Brady, sweet Brady. Your favorite song is about me washing you white as snow. White, pure, clean... unmuddied snow. Let me speak truth to you now. I want you to stop staying frozen on the mountain top. I need you to listen carefully child. You crave the mountain top - yet up here you can't breathe life. White as snow - frozen in my presence, beautiful and clean. Now, yes now, I want you to melt into life water, overflow with what I have done for you, and pour into others.
Run to the valley!
Bring life.
Bring truth.
Beware, rocks will try to stop you, limbs and obstacles will cover your path, but have hope because with me you will flow freely and I will flow freely out of you."

Teeth gritting, I became frustrated with this command. I just reached the mountain top, why would I want to go back down?! I have not been here for a long time and this hurt hearing him say "melt... run to the valley!" This was not at all what I wanted, not at all.

So I pushed on... frustrated with the God I am enamored with because I just reached the top and now he is asking me to not slowly come off the mountain top but run freely down!

As if it is my choice?

Suddenly, my thoughts were halted by 5 deer that stopped me dead in my tracks. One squared up to me in the middle of the road, three on the opposite side of the creek and the 5th on the left side of the road trucking up a hill. My eyes bounced between the one who barricaded the road and the three that were drinking from the stream. As I slowly back peddled over my steps a song rushed to my mind - one that is very dear to my heart,

"As the deer panteth for the water,
so my soul longeth after you.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship you."

Breathe, Brady.
Step back.
Okay.
God, I get it.

I understand!

I pivoted in the road and returned to where I had come from.
Mixed between overwhelmed and overjoyed I cautiously asked one more time, just in case.
"Okay, what else do you want to show me?"

I mean seriously, I took this run to relax not to be spoken so clearly to, but if God wants to speak - if the Holy Spirit wants to show me "what's up" then I might as well let him. (Side note - What a spoiled rotten child I can be sometimes... I am so human and worldly it can be absurd/frustrating!)

Then all was quiet.
The run continued back up towards my cabin, when I felt compelled to step back towards the creek one more time. As I took a few steps in I looked down at my feet. Below were pine needles, by the thousands.

A sweet whisper in the wind gently ushered, "I know every one of these Brady."

What?

Again it whispered in my heart, "I know each of the needles that have fallen, those that have fallen before these - now look up."

I did.

And I wept. Heart overwhelmed because I finally understood with the little understanding I have.

I am known. Among everything in this world, he knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my longings and desires. He wants to use me... and he take his personal time to speak so clearly to my soul.

My God wants me to go to the valley, he knows what I've done before, what I'm doing now, and what I will do later in his presence. He wants me to go because I understand how loved I am and I do not need to sit on the mountain top any longer basking in his love - frozen in his presence. He wants me to flow past the rocks, the branches, the dams to bring his truth!
He loves.
He forgives.
He washes you white as snow, then sends you to be a truth bearer, a disciple, a life giver.

I asked him to use me... arms wide open use me.
And he will, he already is.

Much love,
Brady :)