...on Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve. The day before we celebrate the birth of our Jesus, our Savior, our Redeemer. 

Today is the day before the light shines on the hope and joy as we rejoice the birth of Christ.

Yet, what if the weary world was just weary. A world trying to rejoice, but their hallelujahs turn into muffled cries. 

What do we do then? When we understand the sweat on Mary’s brow, the hurriedness of the shepherd boys to see with their own eyes truth in what the angels told them, the frustration of Joseph succumbing to the fact that his wife would give birth in a barn without any midwife or medical attention. What do we do when God tells us “Do not be afraid,” but fear and doubt seem to be the only rational piece of this whole puzzle?

How do we make Christmas feel like a birthday celebration instead of this longing inside of us to break the word down into two terms - more of Christ? 

More of his peace. 

More of his presence. 

More of his comfort. 

Remind me - what do we do then?

What do you do when Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas?

When you feel wounded, sick, and sore.

When you feel broken, at a loss, and thirsty.

When you feel like you’re missing out on the happy kind of joy that you’re supposed to feel in this season.

I am not alone. 

I won’t put on a face to hide my hurt.

I’m being real - for a real world in a real season.

Yet, I have to face each feeling with a plan. I want Christmas, I want it bad. I want the feelings that I've been preparing my heart for this December. I want the feelings of advent to rush in and fill my soul. 

So -

I will keep worshipping. 

I will keep rereading Luke 1-2.

I will keep seeking out my Jesus - his peace, his presence, and his comfort. 

I will keep facing my fears with God’s perfect love that casts out fear.

I will sing my broken hallelujah for my Jesus and God to hear. 

And if no emotions change, if the joy doesn't come flowing in like a south Texas flash flood, if my heart still is longing - my God is still good. 

I Can't Handle Social Media

Scrolling.
My heart ached.
My mind hurt.

It comes quietly, this pain in my soul.
The thief of joy is off with its prize before realization sets in that I have been robbed.
Robbed of so much more than I tend to realize.

The perfect moments.
The boasting.
The joy.

Even the hard moments.
The broken ones.
With children or jobs.

Painful, so painful for my weak heart to gaze upon.
I know I cannot be alone.
A broken heart tends to find unflaunted company.

Tears hide gracefully.
I close the screen and look away.
Where does this longing come from? This quiet pain?

The problem lies in the face of ignoring,
friends fail to keep touch,
abandonment quickly steps into my life.

A fear since I was young,
a common ground for hatred in my life.
Broken and brim overflowing with despair

my heart cries out to be healed.
"CATCH THAT THIEF!"
Asking. Praying. Hoping.

It slowly seeps back in.
The joy defeating the doubt.
The constant doubt

that I am enough.
that I am precious.
that I am not abandoned, but sought after and known.

The stones chip away
at the thief running freely
crippling it until my hero can catch up.

My hero full of truth,
full of death defying love,
full of forgiveness and grace. Oh, the grace.

He comes back into my sight,
my head bowed - ashamed.
His gaze lifts me up - again, full of grace.

I cry out, I can't handle it!
It magnifies what I don't have,
envy their struggles with my heart's desire.

My hands speaking for me,
my heart shedding tears,
my Jesus kneels before me palms up,

endearing he shows me I'm engraved on his palm,
he digs gently into my heart, my mess, my pain.
Revealing the true beauty, as I cried out I was slain!

Why do you leave me,
not grant me my wishes?
Why do I have to do things the world's way, in their order - they say!

He quiets me again.
Softly, I breathe. I hear his plans,
but I still can't see.

So I step away from the hurt,
I'll hand it over you him, my most treasured jewel.
I'll drop in your hands my alabaster jar,

I will wait. I will pray,
because faith grows stronger
when life is cruel.

Love Song For A Savior

Some songs shape our lives, some we cling closely to for reasons unknown. "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay has been on of my favorite songs since I heard it as a child. Yet, I always stayed in that state of mind - that "one day I would understand... one day I'll run into his arms." Friend, I finally have... I've run full sprint - falling head over heals and tears come freely - ALL THE TIME. So below is the new song I sing based on the original song that I love so dearly for so long:

In open fields of wild flowers
I breathe the air and fly away
I thank my Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language,
Today I understand the meaning of it all

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

How right we are to adore you?
Love, lead me to your banquet hall,
Tell me you, whom I adore - that your banner over me is love.
I searched and found you - now I will not let you go.

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

You say I am altogether beautiful
Lord, you see no flaw in me.
So I cling tightly to your promise,
waiting for you to call my name and say,

"I am so in love with you"

"My heart and eyes they follow you."

For Better or Worse... Richer or Poorer

The table bore witness to our whispers and yells. It caught my nervous tears and reached up to feel the grasp of forgiving and loving hands filled with warmth, hope, and trust. Our goals and dreams were established, not in stone but our hearts desire could easily compare.  Nearly six months prior he had grasped my hand the same way, promising for better or for worse - richer or poorer. He is a planner, analytical, and thorough; I am the complete opposite - a dreamer. Time ticked by as we met over and over again on how to do this - make this marriage work. Somehow we had to combine goals, merge them into one - a dreamer and a goal keeper... one.

Expectations shattered into a million shards before us, leaving some wounds that would create beautiful scars. Three years and three months after our hearts bonded over the setting of the "goal contract" we checked the last off our list. The list consisting of both of us graduating from college, becoming debt free, buying a home, and then a "new-to-us-keep-for-a-long-time" vehicle.

Breathe.

As we walked arm-in-arm away from the dealership my heart danced for joy and my head ran wild in panic. We made it! Wait... what's next?

He wore his handsome confident smile as my eyes met his face because he knows me so well. He knows what I am thinking. He is like that, you see, he is always one step ahead of my constant desire to jump forward without looking at where I will land. His smile calms me, grounds me, quiets my soul. I trust him and know that he lives to please God. This does not make me a weak woman, no - it makes me stronger and more confident in the life that is before us... better or worse - richer or poorer.

This gift of goal reaching is beautiful. This gift of marriage, of being one with someone else and taking the clay from one heart adding the water from the other in order to mold the two hearts into one. This takes sacrifice. This is covered with God. Yes, the submitting, the encouraging, the forgiveness - the constant forgiveness. The I'm sorries - the humility. It's God. He teaches us in this, in these difficult tear wrenching, teeth gritting moments to find grace dust it off and behold it as a gift to the other. In the joyful, high-five, shut up and kiss me moments... and in the I'm sorry - you're forgiven ones as well, God is teaching, building, scraping, refining, reforming, and creating us to be more like him.

This is a gift.
For this we are thankful.
This is God in us.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
"As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." 1 Peter 1:14

Stay

  I'm not sure if it is the fresh air or the wide open spaces that scare me. I've always craved the country since stepping into the big city in 2007. Now I am placed exactly where I want to be and instead of staring at the stars or breathing in the fresh smells I have been jumping into my truck and driving mindlessly to the city. Running away from my coveted freedom. Isn't it ironic, this running back to the place I felt captive! I miss so much of it, my friends, my church, access to anything I ever needed. Yet, today as I ran on a treadmill and stared at the beautiful clouded sky and the damp ground in my small town, I felt the urge to scream - even loud enough to make my own eardrums explode.

   This frustration inside of me wasn't at what was around me. No, it was with my selfish attitude of never being satisfied. On the other side of the large glass window is a beautiful day but I chose to run inside.  Months ago, I prayed for God to place my husband and I where we were needed and he moved us away and gave us this wonderful home in a friendly neighborhood... but I'm not investing in the place He called us to. I'm running back to the life I came from, running away from what he has called me for - here in this town. In this small, uneventful, drama filled  town. A town where preachers leave because they cannot handle it anymore. A town where brokenness is found in the gossip, the rumors, and the constant unchanging.

   Unfortunately, this running needs to stop. I need to take a step back and focus on what God has called me to here - what He has placed on my heart. I don't know how long it is going to take to arrive on a mountain top again, but I'm going to start walking until I find it and meet Him there. I want to serve my Jesus with my whole heart. I want Him to be my every day, my every moment. I can't live running away from His calling for me because I am scared or don't know where to start.

   So please, please pray for me as I begin staying. Tears have found their way and are drowning my eyes as I write this because it is so hard to stay sometimes. To stay, to breathe, and to not run in fear.  So, through it all I will place my eyes on him. I will believe that his plan is well with my soul, that my God is stronger than this pain, and that whatever he believes needs to be completed here I will respond with, "Here I am! Choose me! I trust you!" This long journey of finding satisfaction in the valley is over. I'm ready to walk back up to the mountain-top to meet my Jesus there; to see his face, meet him, and hear him say "I am proud of  you."

How Stepping Out Began.. Because Hiding Isn't Justified Anymore

Today was just an ordinary day.
4:45 roll out of bed.
4:50 run and turn the truck on - heater cranked up.
4:59 out the door
5:14 arrive at Crossfit
6:07 run 2 miles
6:35 rinse off, dress for work
7:01 quick stop for breakfast (friday treat)
7:13 arrive at my desk - throw my stuff down.
7:15 my favorite part of the day.

Quiet.
Head bowed.
Jesus? Do you hear me? I'm here, I've been waiting for this moment. I crave it every day. This quiet time before the rush. Can I just sit here with you and breathe... just take in your peace.











You refresh me. You do. You're glorious, my Savior. You, yes you are the one who is ALL Mighty. Who is beautiful. Who has legions of angels at his beckon call. You are the one who loves me more than your own life, more than pain, more than heart break. You do. You will never leave me, nor will you forsake me. My Precious King. Here I am... right here.

Right here before you saying I am unworthy of this meeting place. Of this moment. I am unworthy - a sinner I don't belong amidst your presence. Yet, you call it a lie. You have spoken saying that I am adopted, you are the atonement for my sin, masking it all. Erasing it all. Let me just breathe this moment in...





Forgive me for the monotony of my life. For the auto-draft hopes of redemption. You've called me to more than that... to more than just being a check in the mail. You've called me to proclaim... PROCLAIM your words - the good news - to the poor. You're beckoning me to GO and BIND up the brokenhearted wounds. You've commanded me to PROCLAIM freedom and RELEASE prisoners from their darkness. Yet, I sit here - auto-drafting redemption. Auto-drafting hope. My money is doing more than I am... so God, forgive me. Forgive me of hiding behind wealth and prosperity. Forgive me - and here I am now... open arms saying SEND ME! HERE I AM... Send Me. Choose me, because my heart has changed and I want to do more for you, I want to be all for you.

Send me.

Send me to battle alongside you. Whatever that looks like - whatever battle you have chosen to prepare me for, I know, in the sense of not knowing exactly how, that you are preparing me for the fight.  So send me... when you're ready. Not when I think I am, or when I think I am not... but when you, in your infinite knowledge and your glorious plan, are ready.

Amen.

Then it hit me... I'm stepping out today ready, for the first time in a long time - I'm ready.

All in All.

They sit under the tree - perfectly wrapped, waiting patiently to have impatient fingers open them, to experience the joy of the beholder, and to be used. These gifts that were thoughtfully chosen, wrapped in love, and perfectly placed... all for the joy of giving.

For this joy of giving.

I have realized there comes a moment in your life when you have to reach for the gift, unwrap it, and behold what was given to you. Sometimes what lies behind the wrapping paper may frighten us, but it is still a gift. Given out of love, waiting for the joy to wipe across you face. Hopefully. Then other times in our life the gift needs to be unwrapped by the giver...

Four months before Adam asked me to be his forever, we separated. It wasn't a fast break, it was a slow one. I pushed him away, fearful of what my emotions were doing to me. A recluse, I stopped answering phone calls, ignored him, I couldn't look at him anymore. These feelings of trust, hope, and most of all love - they scared the daylights out of me! The days that followed were some of my darkest ones, I didn't cry, didn't think, just filled myself with hate... convincing myself I was not worthy of love, I was a mess, and love always failed. Depression sank in, anxiety ate at my soul, and hopelessness and fear destroyed the rest. Yet, God had other plans. In my darkest he wanted me to know him fully.


So one cold December day, I stormed into my aunt's home and up to my room searching frantically for my bible. Great, you might be thinking, she wanted to see what God had to tell her - to search for biblical answers. No friend, I searched for the bible to curse God all the more fully. I hated him, hated. I was so angry and spiteful. Then I found it... the bible.

I found it, screamed, and threw it as hard as I could into the closet. When I went to toss myself on the bed I noticed a small folded paper had fallen out as the book soared through the air. I knelt down and picked it up, careful not to tear the worn paper - I unfolded it. The worn pencil markings on it read:

"Child of weakness
Watch and pray
Find in me 
Thine all in all."

I crawled into the closet and began to weep. A flood of emotions, so walled in broke free and poured out - heavy, flowing, no dam could shut off these waterworks. My pride and hate were shattered. Realization poured in as the God of all the universe wrapped this messy, pig-pen child in his arms and whispered...

You are weak. Child... you are weak. Look at me. Look, I am here. I am your all in all. I must be your all in all before any man can be your anything. Look at me, find that I am here. 
Watch how I love, it is unfailing. (Psalm 13:5)
Watch how I lived, it was righteous. (1 Peter 1:19)
Watch how I died, it was redemptive. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Child... you are made in my image. You have access to all of that. To unfailing love, to a righteous life, to a redeemed spirit. 
I am love. If you live in love, you live in me.  (1 John 4:7-19)
Watch and pray.

Dear reader, please... please take note of this gift. This gift that I was afraid to unwrap because it was so wrapped in love. This gift that no fingers eagerly opened but instead like a new born child the gift was unwrapped before me, shown to me... by the one who adopted me as his own. This messy child, this human child. In my darkest most hateful moment - he said no more, listen I am here.

So I did and I realized I was scared to death of two truths:
1. God had to wreck me, take me, and make me new to make me fully his own.
-and-
2. To truly love (God or man), I had to lay down my wants and needs and in place of that seek to understand the one my soul longed for more. To watch and learn my love's ways... in order to be fully filled with better understanding.

I know. I know... but friend I also know this. I know that God made people for one purpose, to glorify himself. The people were too human and so they easily gave way to sin. The Creator of all could have been finished with us right then and there but he wasn't! No! Instead he loved us so much he put us... US... before his own, yes. He put his son's life before our deserving death sentence, one who knew no sin became sin so that we might be reconciled with the righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5:21). Why? Because he loved us (John 3:16). So why wouldn't I want to put down my wants and needs and receive this gift that I crave to not only hold but give back.


Stepping into God's way means leaving our ways behind. Marriage is that way. Following God is that way. All weakness are shown so that you must watch and pray, find your all in the one who made it all.

Falling in Love with Jesus - Exclusivity [Fall Series #3]

I remember the struggle I had the moment I realized that I needed to be exclusive with Jesus. He had been silently whispering to my heart, deny yourself. Deny yourself. Deny yourself. 

The moment I stopped giving him the cold shoulder and I had an "eye-to-eye" conversation that spiraled into a gut-wrenching crying fest, I began to realize that he doesn't just want me on Sundays, or during worship time.  No! He wants me all the time.

To understand how exclusive he wanted our relationship to be he began to show me glimpses of how he had always been with me throughout my life, whether or not I acknowledged him.

He was there holding me as I cried in the make-shift clubhouse when my best friend in the whole world, Brittany, had moved away unexpectantly. There he was in the form of a lady I babysat for taking me shopping for prom. There he was as a mentor guiding me towards freedom from the past.

As Jesus began to reveal himself, my pride in who he is began to grow. I wanted to be with him more and more. So I decide, taking up my cross [willingly denying myself and "dying" to my former life] was the least I could do for all he has done for me.

I knew I could lose some close friends, lose my reputation, and depending on where he sends me, my life.

Although the consequences were known, I began to walk with him anyway. I began praying for eyes to see the wounds this world so timidly wore behind the nearly perfected facade. That is when he sent me to Romania, a place I never thought I would be, I did not even know where it was on the map. Fear began to creep slowly in, yet it only drew me further and further into his presence. While I was there he straightened out who I was to him.

I was set apart. Ephesians 1:4
I was chosen. 1 Peter 2:9
I was redeemed. Galatians 5:1
I was made new. Galatians 2:20, Colossians 3:10, 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am here to tell you Jesus wants the same for you! He wants you to become exclusive with him, so he can show you exactly who you are to him. So write down who you are to him; review the love letter from your Prince.

Know that you are precious to Jesus. 
Remember that he adores you.

Find time today to sit in Jesus's presence and define your relationship with him. You have passed through the uncertainty into the option of living exclusively for him. Just be warned... once you decide to live purely for his glory, there is no turning back. 
However, trust me... it's worth it!

* * * * *

I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back. No turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow.
Though none go with me, I still will follow.
Though none go with me, I still will follow.
No turning back. No turning back.

With All My Heart & Soul

I crave for the love He has for His Son to pour into me so through Him I can pour into others. 

The purpose of a flower isn't just beauty, it's to be attractive, then to go to seed and disperse. The flower doesn't have a choice to live forever, it doesn't have a choice to never wilt or never disperse seeds. Yet, we do. We have the option to be spiritually attractive. We have the option to bloom for God, watered through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and then spread his love to others; to plant the seeds he has handed to us. 

We have a purpose on this Earth, and there is something only YOU can do that no one else can.

Our insecurities, our faults, our fears... if we are fully blooming for Him we remember that perfect love casts out fear.(1 John 4:18) If we are truly showing our colors for his glory we will remember that even the hairs on our head are numbered (Matthew 10:30) and we are worth a lot to Him. Yet, that statement is not solely meant for us to glorify Him for His love for us, it should make us warriors! For He is our King, we should be jumping into our combat boots running after lost souls that He LOVES! 

Searching, 

            planting,

                    allowing Jesus to water.

He makes me want to move, to fight, to love, to never give up. His perfect love, his meticulous love, his generous, thoughtful, sacrificial love... I can't contain it inside knowing how it has changed me, how it has saved me, it has to pour out!

God always makes a way. The cross proves that... but I want to make it easy for him to reach others here on Earth. I want to say, "Do all that you have in mind... Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul" (1 Samuel 14:7). 

Don't you?

Don't you want to jump in, ready for battle, fighting at his right hand?

Do you feel the excitement when you think about what He's already done for us and what He still wants to do?

Keep Their Eyes Above the Waves...

Day 6
Pray that a spirit of fellowship will grow between the persecuted church and the free world. Pray that those who worship in freedom will develop a burden to pray for and serve their persecuted brothers and sisters.

Philippians 3:10
I want to know Christ -- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

Tonight I just want to bring worship to this prayer.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me [them] out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I [they] find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My[Their] faith will stand

And I [they] will call upon Your name
And keep my [their] eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My [Their] soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am [they are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my [their] guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me [them]
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will [when they]  call upon Your name
And keep my [their] eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My [their] soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am [they are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Spirit lead me [them] where my [their] trust is without borders

Let me [them] walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me [them]
Take me [them] deeper than my [their] feet could ever wander
And my [their] faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my [our] Savior

I will [When they] call upon Your Name
Keep my [their] eyes above the waves
My [Their] soul will rest in Your embrace
I am [They are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Lord,

The words of this song is my prayer tonight, but as I change the words from "I" to "Them" in lifting up my persecuted brothers and sisters, I pray that you hear the words and answer the prayer. For as they have been called by you and follow you that they find freedom in you embrace. In this may they find others that are with them in this time and create a fellowship that lifts them up. For we are not made to be alone in trials, and as you does not want man to be alone, let them know that they are prayed for by thousands of other believers. As we are free to worship may our hearts break and be burdened with their trials so that we will offer our all in this free land and free life to those who have to hide their faith in order to continue sharing it. 

For what a blessing it is to be a light in a dark place. To be called to serve you in that capacity, I can only imagine. 

You have enamored me and taught me that those who are shining your light are filled with your light. Their eyes are healthy and whole making their body full or your love and truth, do not let our eyes or theirs become vain or dark. Allow us to continue to seek the truth and look at you to feed our faith (Matthew 6:22-23). 

I want to be in this with them. With my whole heart and soul. For you are a God of compassion, love, and grace. You want to save your creation from a life of darkness so you send out your disciples among the nations to speak your name. Let these disciples know that they are being loved and cared for through prayer and allow the "free" church to find ways to provide for their physical and tangible needs. 

In your name I pray as I lift these words up with my heart,

Amen.

Blessing in the Shadows

Day 4
Pray 1 Peter 3:14-17 for the persecuted. Pray that those undergoing persecution, especially those in prison, will not be overcome by a spirit of fear. Pray that those undergoing interrogation will be given the words to say at the right moment, and that they'll be able to do so with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:14-17
But Even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened." But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.


When I read 1 Peter, all I can think about is the story that was told on Sunday:

Nearly 200 years ago a revival took place in Wales England. And as a result of this revival many missionaries were called onto foreign mission fields. And many of these missionaries chose as their place of service a place in Northern India, a place known for savages, they were called "head hunters".  Who as a sign of greatness in their tribe they would take the heads of enemies and hang them on their walls. It was into this savage tribe that these missionaries came, and obviously they were not welcome by this tribe. But they knew they were called by God and so they continued to share their faith. And they finally were able to reach out to one family, and they accepted Jesus Christ.

And this man and his wife and his two sons were so contagious about Jesus Christ that they began to lead other members of their tribe to Jesus. And the Chief of their tribe caught wind of their faith and so he called a meeting of the tribe and he captured this man and his family and brought them before the tribe. He said to the man, "Renounce Jesus Christ as your savior or something bad will happen to you. We will kill your two sons." And the man looked down at his sons and he knew he loved them but he could not renounce Jesus Christ, so instead he said the words to this famous song, he said, "I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back." And the archers pulled back their arrows and they shot dead his two sons.

I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back, no turning back.

And as his sons laid their on the ground before him, dead, the tribal chief said to him, "I am going to give you another chance. Renounce Christ or I am going to kill your wife." And the man looked down at his sons and then looked up at his wife whom he loved so much, his partner in life, but he knew what scripture said, that he needed to acknowledge God, acknowledge Christ before men. And he said the second line to this famous song, he said, "Though none go with me, I still will follow. No turning back. No turning back." And the archers killed his wife.

Though none go with me, still I will follow.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
No turning back. No turning back.

And now with his two sons and his wife lying on the ground in front of him, the tribal chief stood in front of him and said, "Renounce Christ or this time we will kill you." And the man realizing that he had nothing left in this world looked up at heaven and said the last lines to this song, he said, "The cross before me. The world behind me. No turning back, no turning back." And in anger the tribal chief gave the order and the archers killed the man.

The cross before me, the world behind me.
The cross before me, the world behind me.
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back, no turning back.

And now with the man and his two children and his wife dead, the chief stood before this family speechless. He couldn't believe what his eyes had just seen, and he realized that through the faith of this man that this God must be real. This Jesus who this man was willing to die for must be real. And on the spot the reports tell us that this chief accepted Christ as his savior. And through the following weeks other tribes began to accept this Christ as their savior. All because one man and his family were willing to stand up and say "I have decided to follow Jesus, though no one goes with me I am still going to follow, the cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back, no turning back."

Father,
My fingers are unable to type the words my heart wants to express. The grief and joy when I hear this story are so intertwined that it is indescribable how I feel. This journey, praying for 7 days, has allowed me to reveal emotions that I did not know I could express to even you. The brokenness, the confusion, it is all from you. As I pray for these people, read about them, think about them... I draw closer to you. I do not understand how the shadows on this earth can be for your will. I do not understand how darkness can produce blessings, how death can bring resurrection, how sacrifice pushes forth grace. Lord your scripture says that "If you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed." But what are all the other moments? What are all the other moments counted as? Are the joyful moments blessings? If death is a blessing, if suffering is a blessing... what are all the other moments? My confusion, my frustration is so raw, so real that I can't help but sit here and cry. I sit here thinking about the people who have been burned, crucified, martyrs. I sit here and think of them, their families, their pain... and then try and call it a blessing. But their faith in you was so strong. They knew exactly what they would say the moment someone asked them why they have hope in you. And is that where the blessings lie? Is the answer what brings forth life changing moments? Is the answer, the strength that you have given your servants? For when they reply, they reply with your grace, your truth, as soft as whisper in the wind. For you are not in the thunder, or the lightening... but in the quietness, the gentle breeze. I pray that all of the people, the family members of Christ whom are in this position have faith to stand in your word. Shield their hearts from the maliciousness this life so quickly brings. Draw them close to you, let them sip out of the cup you have filled for them. Let it pour out into their souls so they will not be thirsty in trying times.

In your name.

Amen.

(Watch on youtube... but not all mobile devices can show this video so I had to transcribe it)

A Lamp Unto My Feet...

About a month ago my new puppy took my bible off of my bed stand and decided to devour the Word of God. She ate the leather cover and tore the thin scripture filled papers into a million pieces. It was beyond repair, and I was seriously devastated. I had underlined, hi-lighted, post-it'ed up that bible for the past eight years and now it was gone. My quick references, vanished... or devoured. But it was easy for me to replace, I just jumped into my car with my husband, drove down to the nearest Christian Book store and picked out a new one.
Simple.
Easy.
Convenient.

And as I sit here reading today's prayer topic, I want to laugh at my histerical self a month ago.... it was NOT the end of the world, for me. I have hundreds, if not thousands, of bibles at my hand all I have to do is log into the internet, go to the closest store, look at my bookshelf. Unfortunately, there is no such convenience for those in the persecuted church. Bibles are often smuggled in to these countries, if you're caught with one  your life could easily be on the line. The sad reality is in our over-abundant country our "conveniences are often overlooked when they should be thought of as blessings instead.

Day 3:
Pray for those providing Bibles and Bible training for the persecuted church. Pray that persecuted Christians in remote areas will gain access to the Bible and Scripture training. Pray for safety for those meeting secretly for training and encouragement, and pray that their deeper understanding of Scripture will enable them to reach others for Christ.

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness...


Lord,

I do not know the feeling of going without your word being tangible, right here at my fingertips. I do not know what it's like to have to hide your word, to really call it sacred because of the scarcity and the repercussions to be caught with it. I have been guilty of taking your word for granted and making its importance non-existent at times. Lord, as you open my eyes to the things unseen from the warmth of my chair, I plead that those who are secretly being trained in your word in dark rooms, that your word is imprinted on their hearts. For their bibles are a luxury, and few and far in between. Lord that your keep the scripture pure in their minds, that it is not tampered with in any way, remembered only as you want it to be known.

As they dive into your word, open their eyes, ears, and hearts to the learning of your word. Let the training come easily for them as they understand your word deeper than they ever thought imaginable. Your word is alive and active, let it penetrate their souls. Allow them access to the knowledge you hold, enough for them to confidently shine your light knowing your word is inside their hearts. God, your word is flawless, and in that it is a shield for those whom take refuge in you.

This I beg of you, be with them in the secret, in the quiet places. Let your word shine for them.
Amen.

Light A Fire In My Soul

Numbers 6:24-26"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Remember singing "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." when you were like three? Well I do. Today during a teacher training my Grade Level Chair thought she was completely stressing me out with my job placement. I kept telling her "I'm not worried, I just like to draw on my paper to keep my brain going so I do not fall asleep." She would not leave it alone, the "Are you worried"... "You will be fine"... and don't worries wore me out.  So finally I just wrote her a sweet little note: 

"I am not worried. I am not afraid. I have prayed for this job and I know God will not give me anything that I cannot do without him. I know there will be moments I will shine and the moments that I do not shine God will shine and it will be brighter than any light I ever thought I would see. There is no better place than a place where God's face shines."

I must say, I do not know if this lady is a Christian or if she believes in God but she read the note, grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. A moment of silence between us (honestly it felt like eternity) when she breathed in and said "This is why I am glad you're at our school." 




I want my light to shine, then to shine so bright people won't see my light anymore, only God's.  

Life Change?

How does a weekend at a fancy lake house change your perspective on life? How does flying across the water at 80 mph on a jet ski make you realize the importance of life? How does the American Dream get thrown away while enjoying every aspect of its comforts, enjoyment, and relaxation? When Jesus wrecks your world anything can happen.

I am not one for writing blogs but I know that I am about to go through a life change because God has been working on my heart for years. I know he has been placing me exactly where he wants me, even thought it is not exactly what I am looking for or even dreamed of.  The humor:

I swore up and down I'd never be a teacher... I am a teacher for children with special needs

I wanted to be at a fancy school where parents actually exist... God is sending me to children who need love

There is more, of that I am sure, but those are the two I know shine like stars right now. God knows exactly what he is doing... God knows that all I want to do is love those who are not loved because I am loved and I do not deserve it.  A few weeks ago when my cooperative teacher asked me why I wanted to be a teacher I told her simply, "I don't want to change the world, I just want to have a positive impact on one child's life and see where it goes from there..."

How easy is that? To show one child that someone out there loves them unconditionally... to see that smile upon their face, to take the fear away from their eyes and create a safe environment. I want this love inside of me to pour out on others who need it, who want it, who live off of it because that is how I am with my Jesus. It may not be Mexico, China, or Africa... but it is still reaching a child in need, a child desperately searching for love.

1 John 4:7  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.