Unscheduled Plans

Looking into the mirror and seeing myself is something I have to face every morning. Those eyes filled with exhaustion, the unkempt hair, the wrinkled t-shirt... all this is predictable. What the mirror tells me is superficial, it does not delve deep inside to see what created the dark circles, or the tangled mess. It does not tell the story of the battle inside.

Finding grace has never been something that has come easily to me. Unforgiveness is a strength, I am also "cursed" with being stubborn and proud. Not only am I this way to the people that love me dearly, but also to the God who has shown more love, grace, and tenderness to me than I could ever deserve. This battle of success, earthly possessions, and making a name for myself versus living a life that pleases God and makes people want to know his name has brought me to my knees over and over again.

Today on my daily walk with my sweet, sweet puppies (picture below) really slammed reality into my face.

As I was walking, I was worshiping and praising God for his beauty. Then a darkness came into my mind about all the stress I have been feeling and the overwhelming sensation that this world places on my shoulders. The pressure to fit in, to beat the Joneses, to be the top dog.... it has drained me. Not that Adam and I are anywhere close to doing any of that but the fact is I (yes I) have this unrealistic goal to buy a house in June. This unrealistic goal is NOT by the world's standards unattainable, but by God's standards unrealistic. By this I mean that my desires and stressful deadline are not God's desires or his perfect timing. In June we will not have yet saved enough money to have 3 months expenses in the bank, by June we will not have enough to have a sufficient down payment. So what I mean is that this stress I feel about a deadline that I have created is not biblical. Let me share what I mean....

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have... You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." James 4:1-3

This desire to buy a house is not a God thing by any means. This desire to have the 1+ acre lot is not something I have prayed for with the right motives. Every motive was selfish, every desire was self-fulfilling. I have prayed, but prayed earnestly for the wrong things. For desires that will please me, for earthly objects that will somehow fulfill my life. Yet, God tells James to remind us that "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." and that we need to submit ourselves and change our hearts by coming near to God. By coming near to him and sitting at his feet like children, adoring the creator of the heavens and earth who will not let us be hungry, or homeless, or forgotten. A father who loves us and cares deeply about us.

Tonight I was reminded about dreams Adam and me have had about adopting. That our hearts yearn to help the orphans, but first we need to follow God's plan. I know he will fill our hearts desires to please him in that way, but I now know that I want to do it all his way. I want to follow his game plan for plan A. I don't want my backup worldly plan to jump in and ruin the beauty of the life he has set out before us.

And now... Rambling Man is going through my mind because that's what I feel like I am doing. Now that's a graceful way to end an intense blog ;-). Goodnight my friends.