Saturday, June 30, 2012

A Dream, A Purpose

In a foreign land, one I have never been to but for some reason I knew all to well, I was searching for something. I knew exactly where I was going and what I was looking for - or whom. Then I saw him, hidden in a corner covered in filth and I picked him up in my arms and held him tightly... for the first time in all of my dreams I saw his face. I held him, stared at him and began to feel the urge to cry. "I have been waiting to see your face," I said to him as he wrapped his hand around my pinky. I knew we were in danger and had to escape. As my body began to tremble for the urgency was immense, I ran. I ran with all I had and I held the baby boy in my arms without a thought of letting go. I knew his face, it was written on my heart.

As we fled, fled the life that had harmed him, the life that brought him tears, the life that offered no comfort, no loving arms, no warmth, I began to realize this was my purpose in life. My purpose was to be this child's mommy, this child who had nothing to hold onto but the hope of a better future. As we ran, I looked down at his face and memorized it, the dimples on his cheek and the big brown eyes that stared up at me with curiosity and love all at once.  He knew he was mine, I knew he was mine, God knew he was mine.

It was a dream, yes. A dream full of hope. A dream full of reassurance. A dream full of love. I know what God wants of my future, of that I am sure for I have prayed, and prayed desperately.

At my bridal shower last summer, my Maid of Honor created a film full of questions she asked my soon to be husband about me.  At the shower she asked me the question and I answered then she would press play and we would hear his answer. It was a lot of fun seeing how well he knew me. Then she asked a question, "How many children does Brady want?"

Adam answered... "If she could she'd have 80 and love them all..."
I know God has built my heart around children for a reason and I know that a majority of my children will not be of my blood but of my heart. I know God is working in our lives to love the orphans and to give them a family... even if it is our family.

I am excited for the future. I am excited that one day I will meet my child whether he/she is 2 or 12. I will meet that child and know that it is mine.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Near to Your Heart

I want to be close, close to your side
So heaven is real and death is a lie

I want to hear voices of angels above
Singing as one

I want to be near, near to your heart
Loving the world hating the dark
I want to see dry bones living again

Singing as one 


Seeking out a quiet place for God in this loud world is not as hard as you think. God continually calls us to closeness with him. To have an intimate relationship with him where we pour out what he has given us. God seeks for raw emotion, an open heart with no walls to hide behind. He wants us to allow him to see the depth of our soul.

Life can have it's ups and downs. In July I will be celebrating my first year anniversary  (Whoop!)  My husband is an amazing person and he has been so stable in my life and he always brings me back to earth when I get very spontaneous on serious matters. He has held me when I cried, he shares inside jokes with me, we know what the other person is thinking without even saying it. We have fought through the rough patches, we seek out understanding, we talk a lot about how to make things work. However, if I were to withhold any time alone with him our relationship will begin to deteriorate. The intimate relationship we once held which gave us so much strength in each other and a strong bond would be broken. The joy would be taken away and both of our love cups would be emptied.

Now that is just my husband, the love of my life. If I were to withhold any intimate time with Christ, the savior of my life, where would I end up? I would be longing for love and never find it, I would feel empty inside, desperate for attention, unknowingly draining people around me because I think I need them when the truth is all I need is my life filled with Him. God calls us to seek him, to find him, to spend time with him. It is a relationship that needs love, attention, care. He wants to see you cry just as much as he wants to see you laugh.

I want to belong to Jesus for the rest of my life. I want to make this relationship work. He's never going to leave me nor forsake me for he has come to give me life and life to the fullest. How hard can this relationship be when all he asks of me is to love him and then love others. To love as I am loved. When I feel empty and alone I know where to find Jesus. When I overcome by joy... I know where to find Jesus. When my heart is called to take a leap of faith... I know Jesus is right there holding my hand saying "Come, do not be afraid."


 I see the cloud, I step in
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light and rolls of thunder,

I'm not afraid

Show me Your glory, my God

I'm awed by Your beauty, lost in Your eyes
I long to walk in Your presence like Jesus did
Your glory surrounds me and I'm overwhelmed

I'm not afraid
Show me Your glory, my God

I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong

Oh how we love you Jesus

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Asked for an Answer

I am a Thomas saying "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were... I will not believe." God has to put it right in front of my face to believe it. Jesus could knock on my front door and I'd ask to see his hands and his feet. Don't get me wrong... I have faith, but sometimes when it comes to big things beyond my belief I grow doubt. So I prayed, 
"God... I think that I am right that you really want me at this job in a place far from my home in an area so full of needy children. God... I sat through other interviews full of people I knew and did not get either job; now I am going to a place where I know no one. Is this where you want me? If it is, please bring a sign to my face, make it as obvious as the sun in the daytime. I'm serious God, not something that I have to read into... something obvious! Amen."
 And BAM! I was struck by lightening. Not really... actually I think it is quite funny how God works. Some of you may know what I am talking about. God shows you two signs instead of one. Well, the first one was the one I had to read into then the second one was like Jeff Foxworthy saying "Here's your sign."  Let me explain. I prayed this prayer, I prayed it hard. Not just once did I, not just in silence but with screaming kids in the pool, with a movie playing in front of me, with my husband talking about the oil field, with my brother texting me on my phone. I prayed and prayed and prayed because I wanted it to be obvious. Then I felt compelled by God to just open my bible, so I did and I did not turn a page because right in front of me underlined and highlighted and angels singing around it (not really) was this verse:
"Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few. Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul."  1 Samuel 13:4
I realized God was calling me to be his armor-bearer and believe, just like Jonathan's armor-bearer believed. To have faith - heart and soul faith. THAT'S HUGE. So I just had to make myself available to be used by God because as I sit here crying thinking about who would take this wonderful opportunity away from me if I had not made myself available for God I feel so blessed that I was chosen and indeed get to witness what is about to happen before me this next year. 

(Sign number 1... now sign number 2)


Okay, so the verse had a little impact on my faith. I still wanted to see the nail holes in Jesus' hand. So on my way back from swim lessons I got a phone call from my dear friend and this is the conversation as best as I can recall:
"Brady, I have bad news. Remember you were number two on our list to get the job at the new school... well we hired the other person. Well the person quit and now the position is available. So we called your principle and asked if we could have you, he said no."

TALK ABOUT OBVIOUS. God did not want me there, he wanted me with the children who need love, attention, patience, someone to bring them a smile on a cold day. God wanted me here, in a place where I thrive, a place that will bring real emotions every day, that will put me on my knees not only at night but during lunch, during conference, before and after school. A place that will humble me but make me grow stronger in him every day. That's where I am going, that's where I am meant to be. My element, my future... my place in this world is at a little school in a place where the children are rotating almost every two months and you will start one semester and end one semester with a totally different set of students because of the movement in this area. God gave me this job, he said Go... and I was available - heart and soul available.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Light A Fire In My Soul

Numbers 6:24-26"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Remember singing "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." when you were like three? Well I do. Today during a teacher training my Grade Level Chair thought she was completely stressing me out with my job placement. I kept telling her "I'm not worried, I just like to draw on my paper to keep my brain going so I do not fall asleep." She would not leave it alone, the "Are you worried"... "You will be fine"... and don't worries wore me out.  So finally I just wrote her a sweet little note: 
"I am not worried. I am not afraid. I have prayed for this job and I know God will not give me anything that I cannot do without him. I know there will be moments I will shine and the moments that I do not shine God will shine and it will be brighter than any light I ever thought I would see. There is no better place than a place where God's face shines."
I must say, I do not know if this lady is a Christian or if she believes in God but she read the note, grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. A moment of silence between us (honestly it felt like eternity) when she breathed in and said "This is why I am glad you're at our school." 

I want my light to shine, then to shine so bright people won't see my light anymore, only God's.  

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Life Change?

How does a weekend at a fancy lake house change your perspective on life? How does flying across the water at 80 mph on a jet ski make you realize the importance of life? How does the American Dream get thrown away while enjoying every aspect of its comforts, enjoyment, and relaxation? When Jesus wrecks your world anything can happen.

I am not one for writing blogs but I know that I am about to go through a life change because God has been working on my heart for years. I know he has been placing me exactly where he wants me, even thought it is not exactly what I am looking for or even dreamed of.  The humor:
I swore up and down I'd never be a teacher... I am a teacher for children with special needs
I wanted to be at a fancy school where parents actually exist... God is sending me to children who need love
There is more, of that I am sure, but those are the two I know shine like stars right now. God knows exactly what he is doing... God knows that all I want to do is love those who are not loved because I am loved and I do not deserve it.  A few weeks ago when my cooperative teacher asked me why I wanted to be a teacher I told her simply, "I don't want to change the world, I just want to have a positive impact on one child's life and see where it goes from there..."

How easy is that? To show one child that someone out there loves them unconditionally... to see that smile upon their face, to take the fear away from their eyes and create a safe environment. I want this love inside of me to pour out on others who need it, who want it, who live off of it because that is how I am with my Jesus. It may not be Mexico, China, or Africa... but it is still reaching a child in need, a child desperately searching for love.

1 John 4:7  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.