A Friendly and Needy Request

It's been 19 days since I stopped everything. I stopped blogging, stopped posting, just plainly stopped. Quieting myself, seeking God first above recognition, above encouragement, above all. Above all, I wanted to see what His dream for my life was, yet here I sit here today still wondering.

I've cried in confusion.
I've prayed for confirmation.
I've wept in frustration and irritation.

Scripture has overwhelmed me, friends and mentors have had reassuring words. Even though I did not tell many people about this period in my life, who I told - I told in the midst of overwhelming confusion and a very humbling fall, what I love most is that God gave them words to feed my soul.

This quietness and shutting out has brought me to a point where I do not even think what I write or do is worthy to be read. It is me -- in my brokenness, in my tears, in my craving for something more.  Then God sends someone to whisper a sense of hope into my longing, he places a verse where I don't have to seek it out, and the spirit spills words out of my mouth when I pray.

I know... yes I know that is from God.

David sat there too, a dreamer like me. He's been through what I'm going through, now. He did the mundane tasks while his brothers fought battles. He sat staring at the same stars I gaze in to.  He cleaned up messes, and "kept his father's sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, [he] went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on [him], [he] seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it." (1 Samuel 17: 34-35); still he knew he was made for more. Yet, without knowing, God was preparing Him all this time to slay a giant and bring encouragement to his people.

Abram (Abraham) was given a vision in a thick and dreadful darkness (Genesis 15:12). Joseph was a dreamer and was sold as a slave, then imprisoned for being a slave with standards, until one day he ended up being used in God's big plan.

So here I am, breaking my silence by letting you know that I am a very broken dreamer. I am a dreamer waiting in the dark where there is no light at the end of my tunnel, but that is okay.

What I am learning is this:

• Dreams don't turn out the way you think; they are not turning out the way I want them to, at all! 
• In the dreadful darkness, in the valley, in the mundane God is changing me. He is molding me and strengthening me. The tears are washing away the weakness so that I may not faint or give way when He presents me to His dream. Patience is strengthening me in the heavy mist. Discipline is forming, and I am waiting, and finally sitting until He says "move". 
• Once I come to a place where He can trust me with what lies ahead in His marvelous plan, I'll be waiting, because Slow and steady is His pace. He is not in a hurry... even if I am. 

So pray for me friends, as I pray for you. Pray for courage to face the darkness. For patience to beat out the frantic hurry. For love to abound and spring forward even when I would rather hide and hate. Pray for discipline so that He will trust me with His dream, even if I have no idea what it is - and that scares me. Pray for these things... please.

Much love.

An Ordinary Harbor

It's been a while, sweet friend.
The words in my mind have been dry,
crumbling before my fingers could record their delicate life.

My soul feeling parched,
my mind a true desert,
and then I found the harbor.

Looking back, before the harbor, staring at the past few weeks as I longed to feel his presence. I was almost obsessed with feeling it. As I snorkeled on the shores of Cozumel I still felt like he was further than the moon. As I stared at his glorious creation I wanted to be closer, to touch it, to see if I could feel him in the arms of a starfish, in the rough skin of coral, in the grit of the sand running between my fingers. I wanted to taste his presence like the saltiness in my mouth or the wind across my face... but I didn't.

Even there, secluded, surrounded by his beautiful creation I could not find him. I could see his glory but wanted his eyes on me, to be abounded with his light.

Frustration only filled me.
Why was he holding out on me...
Why! Why was I enjoying this but not filled?
Isn't this where people see him the most, in his glorious creation? In the majestic presence of the work of the creator's hands?

Then a few days later...
I found it in the oddest place,
a place where I felt was "too common",
but God was holding out for his greatest creation
 to bring me to my knees
you guessed it...
his sweet children.

Their hugs, their smiles, their laughter, the joy of their love for Jesus!
His glory abounded to me in the presence of the volunteers and
these adoring faces.

Truth poured into my life this week.
Oh! My!
I couldn't help it. You know the filling of my soul, as Jesus spoke such reassuring words to my heart.
In the midst of the "ordinary" He exhibited that He was indeed extraordinary.

As I looked into each child's eyes and noticed their beauty,
the artistry of the King,
this creation,
YES!
this creation took my breath away.

The lessons for them were really lessons for me... reminding me that even if I feel alone, even when my heart is parched, that He is living water. That he is the truth, the life, a friend in times of need, a glorious king and a humble servant.

But most sincerely his promise...
"Surely, I am with you always, until the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

For he was there in the waves,
in the dancing colors of the purple jelly fish,
in the sand and the colors of the coral...

but he wanted me to know that I don't have to go to the reaches of the Earth to find him...
that He is always with me, in the ordinary, in the mundane, until the end of the age.

<3 much love, this was an emotional write for me... hope you enjoyed it!