Trusting is the point.

It's an ending statement.
A closure to a chapter.
The art of writing...

You put a period on the thought. An ellipses turns into a declarative statement. I find the words and attempt to write it down but the courage, yes courage, to physically extract the emotions from my mind and paste them in the path of wandering eyes brings an incredible sense of hesitation. The hesitation drawing not only from vulnerability but the affirmation that the emotions stem from real life.

A tear falls down my face, my heart is pounding... I pray for a fresh breeze to blow this storm out of my mind, but it never comes. The darkness continues with glimpses of the blue sky above the dense gray mass that has moments of full consumption of the space around my heart.

A mask is so easy to wear when you do not have to face the disaster every day. Yet, I think of her. The woman who has to wake up every morning to an empty bed. Who drives with no passenger. Who has no other person wearing a coupling wedding band.

Widowed.

The storm comes rushing back bringing rain this time. It pours, flooding the rivers rushing down my cheeks.

I love this woman. I love her strength through the last two years of battling alongside the man whose life was taken by cancer. They fought together. They fought bravely, deeply, and madly. Yet through it all they trusted God. 

God.
The one I call my own.
The one I live for daily.

I've heard questions, how can a loving God allow this to happen. Abruptly blurted. No answers come to mind. Yet, for some reason... darkness, hurtful, heart wrenching times draw me nearer to him. Or does he draw nearer to me?

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted binding up their wounds."

He heals.
He binds up wounds.
A loving God not just drawing near... he's in the midst of the mess.
Surgery. Bandages. Healing.

Healing.
How does one heal?
Physical healing - therapy.
A broken heart? How does one recover from such an extravagant wound? Time does not mend brokenness... time is the curse. The living without. Memories do not fade, causing shattered hearts to become sharp daggers. Scraping and slicing new wounds, raw emotions pouring forth.

Yet, I see improvement. I see it in me on the days the blue shines through the grayness. I see it in her ability to get out of bed each morning, to go to places that remind her of him, and her faith that God is still good.

Healing has begun.
Wounds turn to scars.
The pain stays, but it reminds us.
It reminds us of the deep voice singing "The Old Rugged Cross" in the midst of repairing a fence.
It reminds us that he had faith to the end.
It reminds us that God dealt with the death of his own child for the sake of others... and that pain even caused the father of our savior to look away. Brokenhearted.

So what does this mean?
Pain is inevitable.
Fortunately, with God... with God healing comes. Hope returns. Life springs back.
We smile again. We see the beauty in this world. The gray clouds turn to a mist and eventually, the mist evaporates, leaving a sun-filled view.

Joy. Yes, joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) God trades us the ashes for beauty, our mourning for joy, a spirit of despair for praise and then He sets deep roots, oak tree style roots, and claims us to be righteous for Him allowing us to bestow the beauty of his splendor. It all starts with the pain... the ashes. In that, in that we become right with God.  (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Trusting in the all consuming scrutiny of pain... that is the point.

Empty

So let me catch you up.

1. I am going on a mission trip in 21 days to Romania.

2. I was encouraged to do the Daniel Fast for 21 days.

3. I felt God calling me to journal about this experience, not for boasting but  on the contrary to show that I am weak, I need him, and I need accountability. 

Day 1.

Today is not even over yet and physically I feel exhausted.

Drained.

Empty.

My body is pounding and aching. My jaw his been clenched tight since about 11:30 this morning.

I spent the morning reading and praying, off and on. 

Then it got harder...

About 3:00 I texted a dear friend of mine as I laid in bed and told her I was dying. I was sure of it.

Her response spurred me...

She was right. Why did I turn to her in the midst of my despair? 

Her truth spoke straight to my heart. 

To Him I went, on my knees, hands wide open. I cried like a baby, tears pouring down my face because I am so weak... especially when it comes to food. Food is my temptation, it is my comfort, my worldly desire.

Then I noticed that this act of emptying me out to bring me to him is causing him to sort through my weaknesses in order to fill them with his strength.

In his strength he will set me free.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

I come to the One who made me asking to be set free.

I come to him on my knees, in my pain, throbbing head and aching body. He is emptying me of me, increasingly releasing me to become the one he created me to be. 

I've never been in this state before. I've done diets, fad diets, and cleanses, but they last 1-2 meals then I cave. This is different. This is not about me, this is about God, something greater than my feeble little self.

"As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find security in knowing me, the One who died to set you free." - Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I want to know him so well that I will turn to him in times of need. To fall on my knees and cry out to him, "Oh! Lord I need you!  I want to be secure in you, to be made new!" This is the reason I am where I am today... right now. 

It is great how he works when you call upon him! I was going to skip ahead to tomorrow's devotional  and read 1 John 1:5-10 and I somehow managed to read 1:5-10 but of the wrong book in the bible. Stay with me a second, this is how great my God is!! He showed me 2 Peter 1:5-10 and it was exactly what I needed to hear today... here it is. 

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities with increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed of their past sins." 

This is the way that we step closer to knowing God.

He has a plan for us right there... right there!

Better yet it builds. So it has a starting point - faith and ends with love. What I love most about this is that we start with faith, then we hope and pray for knowledge, we hope and pray  for self-control, we hope and pray for perseverance, we hope and pray for godliness, mutual affection... and then we end in love. 

Faith, Hope, and Love... and the greatest of these - the ending point! It's love!!

I'm finding myself stuck on step 4 on the road to know him better. As I gain self-control in the next few days (maybe weeks) through the Holy Spirit working in me, I will find that I will build on self-control with perseverance. Increasing. Enduring. Moving on the quality number 5 with increasing measure... because I long to know him more, to know my heart is right with the One who set me free.

Overwhelmed heart... that's for sure.

Craving God

I can feel it...
I've felt it all day.
The sense of failure about to happen,
facing past failures in the mirror, every time I look at myself.

It stings, that feeling of being out of control, lacking discipline to finish a daunting task.

Fearless, not me... I wish, for once, my heart and my stomach were on the same page, yet it never happens. I find myself in the midst of this again. God calling me to focus on the forgotten fruit of self-discipline, lining everything up, sending sign after sign that this is what I am supposed to do but I stare back at his command like a child asked to wash the dishes.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS ALONE!
Scratch that! I know I can't do this alone.

My heart still pounding about today's feat, no caffeine, I nearly died I'm sure of it. I craved Sonic every 15 minutes, I craved coffee, I craved, and craved, and craved.

My mind was about to explode, I had to flee.
Pack up the dogs.
Get in the car.
Unload the dogs.
A four mile hike will do the trick... or not.
One mile in and I feel like the world is collapsing. I might die up here and no one will know. I planned my death a thousand ways, faint and hit that rock, faint and fall off this cliff, slip and slide to my death. I knew it was over, I knew I could not handle this... Two miles in, what on earth was I thinking?

I'm two miles in that means I have to walk two miles back. I can't do this. I need a soda! I need coke. I need caffeine!
A lady asks me how far it is to the exit, I fight the urge to yell, but I stammer an exasperated..."Two, two miles."
She nods and goes on her way but I want to scream, wait! Carry me... but I sit instead.
The dog licks my leg, licking caffeine I'm sure. I bet it tastes great, this sweat, probably a pure soda fountain.
I stand and somehow manage another step, another step, my phone sends encouraging words

"3 miles 57 minutes, 28 seconds...." 

Yes, that's proof I was dying.

I manage 4 miles and nearly fall into the water fountain craving water... craving life.

We reach the truck, I climb in... the cool air chilling the sweat on my forehead and I breathe.
The day is almost over and I've been caffeine free. Tomorrow I will start this fast, I can do it.
But the fear swarms me and my heart pounds again.
Doubt flooding every inch of me,
I've done this before it lasts about 24 hours and then I cave.

Then he gently reminds me, I was lead here and he will not give me a task that I cannot complete without him. This is huge for me and I know that self-control is something that the holy spirit has been pushing to the foremost areas of my thoughts these past few months but I never knew how to tackle it...
 and. here. it. is. staring. me. in. the. face.

I've never done a fast before, I know it's supposed to be done in secret but I feel compelled to write about my journey. To write about the struggles, but mostly to write about my heart as it draws near to God.

I'm afraid I will fail. Fail miserably.
But I know that he has prepared me for this, he has given me tools which I will talk about among other struggles.

So tomorrow begins a 21 day journey. A journey of a deprived heart seeking God. Yet, as I sit here in my bed, I find that as the minutes tick into tomorrow and replaying the days struggles in my head (in preparation for the fast mind you!) I do not lust for a coke, though hours earlier I would have never thought I'd see this side of the light.

So here a journey begins... a journey to find a victorious heart.

An Ordinary Harbor

It's been a while, sweet friend.
The words in my mind have been dry,
crumbling before my fingers could record their delicate life.

My soul feeling parched,
my mind a true desert,
and then I found the harbor.

Looking back, before the harbor, staring at the past few weeks as I longed to feel his presence. I was almost obsessed with feeling it. As I snorkeled on the shores of Cozumel I still felt like he was further than the moon. As I stared at his glorious creation I wanted to be closer, to touch it, to see if I could feel him in the arms of a starfish, in the rough skin of coral, in the grit of the sand running between my fingers. I wanted to taste his presence like the saltiness in my mouth or the wind across my face... but I didn't.

Even there, secluded, surrounded by his beautiful creation I could not find him. I could see his glory but wanted his eyes on me, to be abounded with his light.

Frustration only filled me.
Why was he holding out on me...
Why! Why was I enjoying this but not filled?
Isn't this where people see him the most, in his glorious creation? In the majestic presence of the work of the creator's hands?

Then a few days later...
I found it in the oddest place,
a place where I felt was "too common",
but God was holding out for his greatest creation
 to bring me to my knees
you guessed it...
his sweet children.

Their hugs, their smiles, their laughter, the joy of their love for Jesus!
His glory abounded to me in the presence of the volunteers and
these adoring faces.

Truth poured into my life this week.
Oh! My!
I couldn't help it. You know the filling of my soul, as Jesus spoke such reassuring words to my heart.
In the midst of the "ordinary" He exhibited that He was indeed extraordinary.

As I looked into each child's eyes and noticed their beauty,
the artistry of the King,
this creation,
YES!
this creation took my breath away.

The lessons for them were really lessons for me... reminding me that even if I feel alone, even when my heart is parched, that He is living water. That he is the truth, the life, a friend in times of need, a glorious king and a humble servant.

But most sincerely his promise...
"Surely, I am with you always, until the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

For he was there in the waves,
in the dancing colors of the purple jelly fish,
in the sand and the colors of the coral...

but he wanted me to know that I don't have to go to the reaches of the Earth to find him...
that He is always with me, in the ordinary, in the mundane, until the end of the age.

<3 much love, this was an emotional write for me... hope you enjoyed it!

My Shade Tree

It was an eventful day, very hot and humid.
The sun shining brightly, sweat beading up on my forehead, no breeze to send relief. I giggled at the sight of my students all crowded under a big shade tree at recess to take refuge from the sun.
Then it was oddly too aware:
The tree only serves one purpose as a refuge - shade from the sun or if you can climb fast it offers protection from a snarling dog.

A tree provides no safety from torrential rains, flash floods, twisters, earthquakes, or even simply bird poop.

Then it hits me, I've been using trees as my protection in life. I have one purpose only refuges scattered all throughout my soul.

My husband, my family, my friends, crafts, work, exercise...

All these little trees have become temporary refuges for loneliness, feelings of inadequacy; simply used to detour difficult situations.

Yet, they each have huge faults. They are inconsistent and man-made, leaving great, I MEAN ENORMOUS, heart-tugging, mind-blowing room for expected error.

Yet, my God calls me to sit before him and listen to what David has once said about Him:

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go. Psalm 71:3

He doesn't say just sometimes you can come to me... he says He is more than enough for torrential rains, flash floods, flipping boats, exhausting mountains, even bird poop. You can go to him for the bug bites and for the cliff-hanging I need you desperately moments.

God is our refuge and strength
an ever-present help in trouble
Therefore I will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 
though its waters roar and foam 
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3

Blown away by the thought that he would bring me to my knees, troubled heart and all on this sweat pouring day, to see just how true He is to me.



The truth simply is this:
My God provides the shadows of his wing for refuge, a wing that can make me soar when I feel like I'm drowning, that can keep me shaded and dry, a wing that can lift me over a mountain when it's too hard to climb... His refuge is an all-around 100% perfect refuge.

Respond with what truth you find in this.
Do you seek him as your one and only refuge?
Do you see the faults in our man-made sanctuaries?
How do we change our natural born desire to find instant shelter, even if it's artificial?

With All My Heart & Soul

I crave for the love He has for His Son to pour into me so through Him I can pour into others. 

The purpose of a flower isn't just beauty, it's to be attractive, then to go to seed and disperse. The flower doesn't have a choice to live forever, it doesn't have a choice to never wilt or never disperse seeds. Yet, we do. We have the option to be spiritually attractive. We have the option to bloom for God, watered through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and then spread his love to others; to plant the seeds he has handed to us. 

We have a purpose on this Earth, and there is something only YOU can do that no one else can.

Our insecurities, our faults, our fears... if we are fully blooming for Him we remember that perfect love casts out fear.(1 John 4:18) If we are truly showing our colors for his glory we will remember that even the hairs on our head are numbered (Matthew 10:30) and we are worth a lot to Him. Yet, that statement is not solely meant for us to glorify Him for His love for us, it should make us warriors! For He is our King, we should be jumping into our combat boots running after lost souls that He LOVES! 

Searching, 

            planting,

                    allowing Jesus to water.

He makes me want to move, to fight, to love, to never give up. His perfect love, his meticulous love, his generous, thoughtful, sacrificial love... I can't contain it inside knowing how it has changed me, how it has saved me, it has to pour out!

God always makes a way. The cross proves that... but I want to make it easy for him to reach others here on Earth. I want to say, "Do all that you have in mind... Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul" (1 Samuel 14:7). 

Don't you?

Don't you want to jump in, ready for battle, fighting at his right hand?

Do you feel the excitement when you think about what He's already done for us and what He still wants to do?

Crying Out

I shout louder than thunder when His voice drifts quietly in the wind.
He calls me to still waters but I jump around in the puddles, graceless.
Splashing, screaming, noisy, careless...

He whispers again, I miss it among my homemade chaos.
I'm missing Him, where is He?
Frustration arises and I blame Him for leaving me alone.
Not providing, being an inadequate parent... I am not ready to have him back off.
Where is He?!

A murmur rushes past, slipping by my distracted eyes.
I stop, this doesn't feel right, this voiceless life.
I find myself sitting down, thumbing through the silver lined pages.
Then it finds me...

"Then a voice came out of the cloud, saying, "This is My Son, My Chosen One; listen to Him!"
Luke 9:35

It hits me! If a voice thundered out of a roaring cloud I would stop in my tracks, smack in the middle of a mud puddle jump I'd be stilled, in the midst of a roar I would fall silent.

Humbly,
my eyes find darkness,
my ears find silence,
and there in the quiet He is heard.

His sheep heard his cry but could not run.
Stuck in a puddle, in mud and mire, I cried back.
He came to me, stepped into the mess, bent down and picked me up.

Out of love he became filthy,
Out of love he picked me up,
Out of love he carried me,
Out of love he set my feet on solid ground.

He has taught me that when I can't hear him,
when I've wandered too far off,
He is still calling out my name,
He is still searching for me but I need to stop and listen for him, turn and cry back.

"I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and be in awe of the LORD
and put their trust in him."
Psalm 40:1-3