Who am I?
What does all this mean now?
Reflecting back on a blog I read where a friend recently posted about her personality test I decided that was a good place to begin this tedious operation.
Who am I?
So the surgical tools were set in their place, I put on the mask and handed the question over to the Doctor of my heart... Who am I?
Laughing at the thought of my serious inquisition I began to delve deep, listing out character traits:
-60% independent/40% social
-90% abstract/10% concrete
-90% heart/10% head
-60% adaptive/40% systematic
Labeled a Reconciler... a helper in healing broken relationships.
Nope. I'm not that... this is wrong. This is definitely not me.
- relates strongly to the concepts of "guilt" and "grace"
- Highly relational individuals
- Seeks to reconcile people with people as well as people with God
- Commonly serves on the mission field or in a mission and counseling organizations
- May be hard on themselves for their own failures
- Requires affirmation of self for who they are, not simply for the task they may perform"
The words glare out at me... piercing this heart of flesh. I'm in a box?! My cry devastates me... this is who I am. This is all I am.
My mind stops. My heart beating. My soul speaks, this is not all you are Brady.
Of course it's not. So I dive deeper into understanding the mentality that God blessed me with, the revealing aspects of understanding why and who God made me to be.
But something hits home. My ears ringing, the fan is humming and I can only picture my brain mimicking it's inevitable spinning design.
Let me read to you exactly what turned my mind into a spinning mess:
"While a Reconciler is gracious in helping others address and overcome their personal sin, they can be far less gracious with themselves. They can find that they "beat themselves up" emotionally for their "failures". They may struggle with feelings of acceptance by God and his people. They may struggle with issues of self-worth and their place in this world as they wrestle with a sense of guilt. They may feel that they must perform "good deeds" to compensate for their failures."
When I looked into these words I saw a mirror with my face in it. It's a portrait of exactly the way my heart works.
"Who God made me to be"
I am not ashamed by being compared to the Apostle Paul... in fact the words helped me understand myself better like not just catching a glimpse but staring down a picture observing and knowing... this is me. Especially the "feelings of acceptance by God and his people". My constant need to feel acceptance and belonging with God is overwhelming at times. I feel like I can't get close enough, I can't draw near enough, I want him to just pick me up and hold me and say, "Yes you are mine." The thing is that He already did. He already laid the crown at my feet and offered a hand of extended grace.
I stand before him with my defects, my flaws, my guilt and he looks at me, places his hand on my cheek and turns my eyes to gaze upon the cross and says, "It is finished Brady. You just need to accept this offering. You are walking down the path of reconciliation with me but you need to know that you need to reconcile with yourself. My perfect lamb, the perfect sacrifice was given for you and everyone else who takes this cup... quit trying to cheapen it by thinking you have to do something more."
So I stop. I breathe. I thank him... that's all I can do. No good deed I do is worthy enough to take the place of Jesus, this one part of my personality I must surrender to him, to be fully accepting the full access he has given me to His grace.
Breathe in, breathe out, reminding my soul to not let my personality define my relationship with him. To take Brady by the hands, look into her heart and say "You are good enough. You are accepted. You are more than loved. He is more than enough for you. Your King of your heart is glorified with you. He laughs at your demeanor, he enjoys your clumsiness, he smiles at you when you walk and talk with him, when you say blessings for the butterflies, the flowers, the aroma of rain. He loves you, and that is more than enough."
So the question of who am I? wraps up in my mind. A smile wipes across my face and I am pleased. I understand why he made me the way he did, a base, not the whole thing, but it is a place to start understanding who I am in Him.