I obviously haven't learned the difference.
I am a sharer - if that is even a word.
God knows that, and unfortunately so does the enemy.
Thus the enemy attacks me secretly in such a way that I do not even notice what is holding me back.
In the past few months, I have been hitting this black wall.
A black wall of what to do next.
A path with no light.
I am an arms wide open "JESUS USE ME!" woman, and this darkness hurt.
Frustrated.
Confused.
Anxious.
I had no idea what to make of it.
Then two wise women in God's council pointed out through prayer -
we have to shine light on this darkness to find the next step.
Ask God, "What is this darkness - name it."
He did.
"You hold me responsible for your Papaw's death, because I did not heal him."
I did.
I cried.
Unknowingly, I held the maker of the heavens and earth - my papaw and me, responsible.
An unknown, secret hate drifted inwards - deep into my soul.
Satan had a foothold.
This hurts.
This feeling of secretly being held captive.
I had written a few days prior to this that I knew the truth about who God was -
but did I believe it?
I knew that he is,
"The God who moves mountains,
the one who melts the gates of bronze.
He destroys the chains of iron
that bind my grasping arms."
Did I believe it?
Naming the darkness reopened a harsh wound.
Naming it shone light on how ugly the wound had become...
not healing, but festering, contaminating every part of my relationship with my Lord.
But his love, grace, and mercy -
his forgiveness for my unforgiveness, for my grudge
cleaned this wound...
binding it with oils and medicine that would allow it to heal properly.
The healing began.
There I was in a vision.
A vision of being on a mountaintop with Jesus.
He lifted my gaze to the stars with the gentle touch of his hand.
I was in love, heart exploding, head over heels...
then it was gone.
More darkness.
One more.
One that has bound me for years,
one I was afraid and ashamed of -
but a new me woke out of bed today.
A new me that believes she is
victorious,
a conquerer,
beautiful,
and strong.
This one last darkness that was preventing me from stepping forward,
painful,
raw -
gluttony and purging.
I'm not afraid to admit it...
like I was for so many years
if it brings one person hope that it can be overcome.
If it shines light in one person's darkness.
I am not afraid because I am brave and made whole.
This sin that bound me for so long,
my Good - Good father has seen every tear it brought,
every angry cry.
Yet, last night He gave me a new name,
a new vision of who I am.
He told me that he is enthralled
ENTHRALLED
by my beauty. (Psalm 46:11)
That I am altogether beautiful
there is no flaw in me (Song of Songs 4:7)
No shame can scar me.
There is no flaw in me.
When he washed my feet and said you are forgiven,
when he showed me a vision of a flower standing strong and tall,
I knew that my beauty was in his hands.
My body is a temple,
one I was trying to control so tightly it began to crumble in my grasp.
The chains broke.
The cage of bronze melted.
I was free, running after my Jesus.
Both hands wrapped in his,
and I was walking.
Walking fully encompassed with his presence
fully consumed with his power.
My eyes would not leave his -
this means...
they finally left the ground
left the hate and self despise behind.
I was freed.
Freedom comes when you're ready to let go.
Even of hindrances you're unaware of...
like me, who now walks down a once dark path
fully captivated by who He is,
fully captivated by who He is,
instead of what I'm not.
