Beautiful. Flawless. Brave. Courageous.... Victorious.

Some moments are meant to share while others are meant to keep in your heart.

I obviously haven't learned the difference. 

I am a sharer - if that is even a word.

God knows that, and unfortunately so does the enemy.

Thus the enemy attacks me secretly in such a way that I do not even notice what is holding me back.

In the past few months, I have been hitting this black wall.

A black wall of what to do next.

A path with no light.

I am an arms wide open "JESUS USE ME!" woman, and this darkness hurt.

Frustrated.

Confused.

Anxious.

I had no idea what to make of it.

Then two wise women in God's council pointed out through prayer -

we have to shine light on this darkness to find the next step.

Ask God, "What is this darkness - name it."

He did.

"You hold me responsible for your Papaw's death, because I did not heal him."

I did.

I cried.

Unknowingly, I held the maker of the heavens and earth - my papaw and me, responsible.

An unknown, secret hate drifted inwards - deep into my soul.

Satan had a foothold.

This hurts. 

This feeling of secretly being held captive.

I had written a few days prior to this that I knew the truth about who God was -

but did I believe it?

I knew that he is, 

"The God who moves mountains,

the one who melts the gates of bronze.

He destroys the chains of iron

that bind my grasping arms."

Did I believe it?

Naming the darkness reopened a harsh wound.

Naming it shone light on how ugly the wound had become...

not healing, but festering, contaminating every part of my relationship with my Lord.

But his love, grace, and mercy -

his forgiveness for my unforgiveness, for my grudge

cleaned this wound...

binding it with oils and medicine that would allow it to heal properly.

The healing began.

There I was in a vision.

A vision of being on a mountaintop with Jesus.

He lifted my gaze to the stars with the gentle touch of his hand.

I was in love, heart exploding, head over heels... 

then it was gone.

More darkness.

One more.

One that has bound me for years, 

one I was afraid and ashamed of - 

but a new me woke out of bed today.

A new me that believes she is 

victorious,

a conquerer, 

beautiful,

and strong.

This one last darkness that was preventing me from stepping forward,

painful,

raw -

gluttony and purging.

I'm not afraid to admit it... 

like I was for so many years

if it brings one person hope that it can be overcome.

If it shines light in one person's darkness.

I am not afraid because I am brave and made whole.

This sin that bound me for so long,

my Good - Good father has seen every tear it brought,

every angry cry.

Yet, last night He gave me a new name,

a new vision of who I am.

He told me that he is enthralled

ENTHRALLED

by my beauty. (Psalm 46:11)

That I am altogether beautiful

there is no flaw in me (Song of Songs 4:7)

No shame can scar me.

There is no flaw in me.

When he washed my feet and said you are forgiven,

when he showed me a vision of a flower standing strong and tall,

I knew that my beauty was in his hands.

My body is a temple, 

one I was trying to control so tightly it began to crumble in my grasp.

The chains broke.

The cage of bronze melted.

I was free, running after my Jesus.

Both hands wrapped in his, 

and I was walking. 

Walking fully encompassed with his presence

fully consumed with his power.

My eyes would not leave his -

this means...

they finally left the ground

left the hate and self despise behind.

I was freed.

Freedom comes when you're ready to let go.

Even of hindrances you're unaware of...

like me, who now walks down a once dark path
fully captivated by who He is,

instead of what I'm not.

How Stepping Out Began.. Because Hiding Isn't Justified Anymore

Today was just an ordinary day.
4:45 roll out of bed.
4:50 run and turn the truck on - heater cranked up.
4:59 out the door
5:14 arrive at Crossfit
6:07 run 2 miles
6:35 rinse off, dress for work
7:01 quick stop for breakfast (friday treat)
7:13 arrive at my desk - throw my stuff down.
7:15 my favorite part of the day.

Quiet.
Head bowed.
Jesus? Do you hear me? I'm here, I've been waiting for this moment. I crave it every day. This quiet time before the rush. Can I just sit here with you and breathe... just take in your peace.











You refresh me. You do. You're glorious, my Savior. You, yes you are the one who is ALL Mighty. Who is beautiful. Who has legions of angels at his beckon call. You are the one who loves me more than your own life, more than pain, more than heart break. You do. You will never leave me, nor will you forsake me. My Precious King. Here I am... right here.

Right here before you saying I am unworthy of this meeting place. Of this moment. I am unworthy - a sinner I don't belong amidst your presence. Yet, you call it a lie. You have spoken saying that I am adopted, you are the atonement for my sin, masking it all. Erasing it all. Let me just breathe this moment in...





Forgive me for the monotony of my life. For the auto-draft hopes of redemption. You've called me to more than that... to more than just being a check in the mail. You've called me to proclaim... PROCLAIM your words - the good news - to the poor. You're beckoning me to GO and BIND up the brokenhearted wounds. You've commanded me to PROCLAIM freedom and RELEASE prisoners from their darkness. Yet, I sit here - auto-drafting redemption. Auto-drafting hope. My money is doing more than I am... so God, forgive me. Forgive me of hiding behind wealth and prosperity. Forgive me - and here I am now... open arms saying SEND ME! HERE I AM... Send Me. Choose me, because my heart has changed and I want to do more for you, I want to be all for you.

Send me.

Send me to battle alongside you. Whatever that looks like - whatever battle you have chosen to prepare me for, I know, in the sense of not knowing exactly how, that you are preparing me for the fight.  So send me... when you're ready. Not when I think I am, or when I think I am not... but when you, in your infinite knowledge and your glorious plan, are ready.

Amen.

Then it hit me... I'm stepping out today ready, for the first time in a long time - I'm ready.

Falling in Love with Jesus - Intimacy [Fall Series #4]

Her hair danced like flames in the glow of the sun. Time had aged her once youthful face. Eagerness from the pending adventure sparkled in her eyes. Yet, her words spoke of bitter regret and stopped me dead in my tracks.

"When my husband died in December," she sighed, "I promised myself to live while I'm alive, so I wrote a list pieced together with adventures that I know I don't want to miss out on. Lucky me, my sister is here to share one with me today."

My heart broke and my gut wrenched in the revealing truth she shared with the group. Despite her burdening testimony, I enjoyed feeling brave jumping off cliffs and soaring over canyons, valleys, and through trees. I was able to share these moments with my courageous husband waiting for me at the landing or backing me up at the jump. Adam and I had the opportunity to share in our triumph, cheer each other on, and rejoice with each other in shaky fist-bumps and hi-fives. 

Later on, after our adventure came to an end, we walked away feeling accomplished from our zip-lining adventure. Unfortunately, the lady's words replayed once again in my mind. I began to compare her tragedy to so many peoples lives and their relationship with Jesus. So many folks wait to take Jesus's offer for an adventure, only when it is too late. When you wait, you miss out on sharing so much more with him. Like my sweet husband, we get to share these adventures for the rest of our lives and he is able to experience them with me bonding our hearts closer together; unfortunately for the lady and the words she said, it seems as though she never really experienced adventure, or in her words "lived" boldly, with her other half. 

I refuse to wait until it is too late to live boldly. I want to be intimate with Jesus from today and forever more. My desire is for Jesus to experience my fear defeating moments, the landings, and the jumps... because not one of these will be worth it with out him. He makes me brave. He makes me soar on wings of eagles, walk and not faint. I do not want to wait until the clock ticks announcing that time is up for my decision to walk intimately with Jesus to be made.

Friend, Jesus has big dreams for you! When you open up and allow yourself to become vulnerable he sends you off on an adventure of a lifetime -- a God-sized adventure! Please, don't miss out! Do not wait until it is too late, to ask him to dive deep with you.

When you have an intimate relationship with Jesus, one where you daily spend time with him, and are actively putting effort into the relationship you grow closer to the LORD. He says, "Remain in me, as I also remain in you... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you... As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. (John 15: 4, 7, 9) 

Remain in Jesus's love.

Abide in his love.

Dwell, Prevail, Persist, Reside, and Endure in his love!!!