Beautiful. Flawless. Brave. Courageous.... Victorious.

Some moments are meant to share while others are meant to keep in your heart.

I obviously haven't learned the difference. 

I am a sharer - if that is even a word.

God knows that, and unfortunately so does the enemy.

Thus the enemy attacks me secretly in such a way that I do not even notice what is holding me back.

In the past few months, I have been hitting this black wall.

A black wall of what to do next.

A path with no light.

I am an arms wide open "JESUS USE ME!" woman, and this darkness hurt.

Frustrated.

Confused.

Anxious.

I had no idea what to make of it.

Then two wise women in God's council pointed out through prayer -

we have to shine light on this darkness to find the next step.

Ask God, "What is this darkness - name it."

He did.

"You hold me responsible for your Papaw's death, because I did not heal him."

I did.

I cried.

Unknowingly, I held the maker of the heavens and earth - my papaw and me, responsible.

An unknown, secret hate drifted inwards - deep into my soul.

Satan had a foothold.

This hurts. 

This feeling of secretly being held captive.

I had written a few days prior to this that I knew the truth about who God was -

but did I believe it?

I knew that he is, 

"The God who moves mountains,

the one who melts the gates of bronze.

He destroys the chains of iron

that bind my grasping arms."

Did I believe it?

Naming the darkness reopened a harsh wound.

Naming it shone light on how ugly the wound had become...

not healing, but festering, contaminating every part of my relationship with my Lord.

But his love, grace, and mercy -

his forgiveness for my unforgiveness, for my grudge

cleaned this wound...

binding it with oils and medicine that would allow it to heal properly.

The healing began.

There I was in a vision.

A vision of being on a mountaintop with Jesus.

He lifted my gaze to the stars with the gentle touch of his hand.

I was in love, heart exploding, head over heels... 

then it was gone.

More darkness.

One more.

One that has bound me for years, 

one I was afraid and ashamed of - 

but a new me woke out of bed today.

A new me that believes she is 

victorious,

a conquerer, 

beautiful,

and strong.

This one last darkness that was preventing me from stepping forward,

painful,

raw -

gluttony and purging.

I'm not afraid to admit it... 

like I was for so many years

if it brings one person hope that it can be overcome.

If it shines light in one person's darkness.

I am not afraid because I am brave and made whole.

This sin that bound me for so long,

my Good - Good father has seen every tear it brought,

every angry cry.

Yet, last night He gave me a new name,

a new vision of who I am.

He told me that he is enthralled

ENTHRALLED

by my beauty. (Psalm 46:11)

That I am altogether beautiful

there is no flaw in me (Song of Songs 4:7)

No shame can scar me.

There is no flaw in me.

When he washed my feet and said you are forgiven,

when he showed me a vision of a flower standing strong and tall,

I knew that my beauty was in his hands.

My body is a temple, 

one I was trying to control so tightly it began to crumble in my grasp.

The chains broke.

The cage of bronze melted.

I was free, running after my Jesus.

Both hands wrapped in his, 

and I was walking. 

Walking fully encompassed with his presence

fully consumed with his power.

My eyes would not leave his -

this means...

they finally left the ground

left the hate and self despise behind.

I was freed.

Freedom comes when you're ready to let go.

Even of hindrances you're unaware of...

like me, who now walks down a once dark path
fully captivated by who He is,

instead of what I'm not.

How Stepping Out Began.. Because Hiding Isn't Justified Anymore

Today was just an ordinary day.
4:45 roll out of bed.
4:50 run and turn the truck on - heater cranked up.
4:59 out the door
5:14 arrive at Crossfit
6:07 run 2 miles
6:35 rinse off, dress for work
7:01 quick stop for breakfast (friday treat)
7:13 arrive at my desk - throw my stuff down.
7:15 my favorite part of the day.

Quiet.
Head bowed.
Jesus? Do you hear me? I'm here, I've been waiting for this moment. I crave it every day. This quiet time before the rush. Can I just sit here with you and breathe... just take in your peace.











You refresh me. You do. You're glorious, my Savior. You, yes you are the one who is ALL Mighty. Who is beautiful. Who has legions of angels at his beckon call. You are the one who loves me more than your own life, more than pain, more than heart break. You do. You will never leave me, nor will you forsake me. My Precious King. Here I am... right here.

Right here before you saying I am unworthy of this meeting place. Of this moment. I am unworthy - a sinner I don't belong amidst your presence. Yet, you call it a lie. You have spoken saying that I am adopted, you are the atonement for my sin, masking it all. Erasing it all. Let me just breathe this moment in...





Forgive me for the monotony of my life. For the auto-draft hopes of redemption. You've called me to more than that... to more than just being a check in the mail. You've called me to proclaim... PROCLAIM your words - the good news - to the poor. You're beckoning me to GO and BIND up the brokenhearted wounds. You've commanded me to PROCLAIM freedom and RELEASE prisoners from their darkness. Yet, I sit here - auto-drafting redemption. Auto-drafting hope. My money is doing more than I am... so God, forgive me. Forgive me of hiding behind wealth and prosperity. Forgive me - and here I am now... open arms saying SEND ME! HERE I AM... Send Me. Choose me, because my heart has changed and I want to do more for you, I want to be all for you.

Send me.

Send me to battle alongside you. Whatever that looks like - whatever battle you have chosen to prepare me for, I know, in the sense of not knowing exactly how, that you are preparing me for the fight.  So send me... when you're ready. Not when I think I am, or when I think I am not... but when you, in your infinite knowledge and your glorious plan, are ready.

Amen.

Then it hit me... I'm stepping out today ready, for the first time in a long time - I'm ready.

Have Courage

There is this moment in your life where you come to the end of your self. Where you have an option to choose to care for someone above your own desires or to turn back and walk into selfishness; when you have the option to choose to live courageously or in discouragement, to live in hope or hopelessness, even be faithful or faithless. 

In this moment… this very next breath you are faced with the option to be brave by giving into the waves hoping for an anchor to steady you or to walk back on shore and give up; how you choose will change your life, forever.

I dropped everything the moment I read my friend’s text… “My mom has brain cancer. The most aggressive form. Glioblastoma multiforme. She’s only got a short time.” My heart broke. I know their relationship and their dependence on each other. I had a loss for words. 

Speechless. 

So what else do you do? 

You drop everything and drive to the next town, even if it is an hour away, and you listen. You listen, you listen more, and you pray. 

Sitting there on the couch just taking in what my friend was facing, what my friend’s family was going through with this diagnosis. How my friend feels guilty, yes guilty, because her mother may not see her engagement, will not see her wedding, and will not be a grandmother to her children. 

With whom will she discuss life’s decisions? 

With whom will she plan her wedding? With whom will she cry with and laugh with all the time? 

This was her mom… her mom. 

I could visualize the path she was walking down from the brokenness and pain reflecting in her eyes, a path full of decisions, full of questions, fear, and even painstakingly depression. My heart began to break and I hugged her, grabbed her hands and cried. My sweet friend, admitted that this will change her. I want to tell her again, that yes, sweet girl, this battle will change you. This will rock your world. You will be faced with many hard days ahead, days that seem so dark, so broken that you question even rising out of bed. But this is the challenge, to stand up and search, find the beauty in those days.

Find the blessings.

Find the treasures. 

Find the peace.  

It is there… but it is there once you come to the end of yourself. So, you must decide to step out into the water and give into the waves or to stay upon the shore, deceivingly safe in the mirage of being known. I beg you, step into the waves, give into them, let the emotions overcome you, let your heart break.

When you give into the waves…

When you give into the waves...

When you give into the waves of emotion, of confidently and courageously stepping into the unknown… something steady finds you. 

So this moment of decision will change you. I pray you choose to step into the waves and let God anchor you, in this you will find that peace that you long for, right now. It is the only true peace that lasts. It doesn’t fade with the morning sun… It stays, overflowing, everlasting. 

God promises grace. He promises peace. He promises that He will wipe the tears from your eyes and that there is a place, a kingdom, where there will be no more pain. God trades ashes for beauty, dear friend. God trades pain and mourning for joy. He anchors your soul and gives you hope in the midst of crashing waves.

And when the storm passes, you will be thankful for that anchor, you will find that you are now more courageous than before, that you are full of faith, hope, and a passion for life. 

Have courage, dear heart, for you are not alone.

-With all my love-