Beautiful. Flawless. Brave. Courageous.... Victorious.

Some moments are meant to share while others are meant to keep in your heart.

I obviously haven't learned the difference. 

I am a sharer - if that is even a word.

God knows that, and unfortunately so does the enemy.

Thus the enemy attacks me secretly in such a way that I do not even notice what is holding me back.

In the past few months, I have been hitting this black wall.

A black wall of what to do next.

A path with no light.

I am an arms wide open "JESUS USE ME!" woman, and this darkness hurt.

Frustrated.

Confused.

Anxious.

I had no idea what to make of it.

Then two wise women in God's council pointed out through prayer -

we have to shine light on this darkness to find the next step.

Ask God, "What is this darkness - name it."

He did.

"You hold me responsible for your Papaw's death, because I did not heal him."

I did.

I cried.

Unknowingly, I held the maker of the heavens and earth - my papaw and me, responsible.

An unknown, secret hate drifted inwards - deep into my soul.

Satan had a foothold.

This hurts. 

This feeling of secretly being held captive.

I had written a few days prior to this that I knew the truth about who God was -

but did I believe it?

I knew that he is, 

"The God who moves mountains,

the one who melts the gates of bronze.

He destroys the chains of iron

that bind my grasping arms."

Did I believe it?

Naming the darkness reopened a harsh wound.

Naming it shone light on how ugly the wound had become...

not healing, but festering, contaminating every part of my relationship with my Lord.

But his love, grace, and mercy -

his forgiveness for my unforgiveness, for my grudge

cleaned this wound...

binding it with oils and medicine that would allow it to heal properly.

The healing began.

There I was in a vision.

A vision of being on a mountaintop with Jesus.

He lifted my gaze to the stars with the gentle touch of his hand.

I was in love, heart exploding, head over heels... 

then it was gone.

More darkness.

One more.

One that has bound me for years, 

one I was afraid and ashamed of - 

but a new me woke out of bed today.

A new me that believes she is 

victorious,

a conquerer, 

beautiful,

and strong.

This one last darkness that was preventing me from stepping forward,

painful,

raw -

gluttony and purging.

I'm not afraid to admit it... 

like I was for so many years

if it brings one person hope that it can be overcome.

If it shines light in one person's darkness.

I am not afraid because I am brave and made whole.

This sin that bound me for so long,

my Good - Good father has seen every tear it brought,

every angry cry.

Yet, last night He gave me a new name,

a new vision of who I am.

He told me that he is enthralled

ENTHRALLED

by my beauty. (Psalm 46:11)

That I am altogether beautiful

there is no flaw in me (Song of Songs 4:7)

No shame can scar me.

There is no flaw in me.

When he washed my feet and said you are forgiven,

when he showed me a vision of a flower standing strong and tall,

I knew that my beauty was in his hands.

My body is a temple, 

one I was trying to control so tightly it began to crumble in my grasp.

The chains broke.

The cage of bronze melted.

I was free, running after my Jesus.

Both hands wrapped in his, 

and I was walking. 

Walking fully encompassed with his presence

fully consumed with his power.

My eyes would not leave his -

this means...

they finally left the ground

left the hate and self despise behind.

I was freed.

Freedom comes when you're ready to let go.

Even of hindrances you're unaware of...

like me, who now walks down a once dark path
fully captivated by who He is,

instead of what I'm not.

How Stepping Out Began.. Because Hiding Isn't Justified Anymore

Today was just an ordinary day.
4:45 roll out of bed.
4:50 run and turn the truck on - heater cranked up.
4:59 out the door
5:14 arrive at Crossfit
6:07 run 2 miles
6:35 rinse off, dress for work
7:01 quick stop for breakfast (friday treat)
7:13 arrive at my desk - throw my stuff down.
7:15 my favorite part of the day.

Quiet.
Head bowed.
Jesus? Do you hear me? I'm here, I've been waiting for this moment. I crave it every day. This quiet time before the rush. Can I just sit here with you and breathe... just take in your peace.











You refresh me. You do. You're glorious, my Savior. You, yes you are the one who is ALL Mighty. Who is beautiful. Who has legions of angels at his beckon call. You are the one who loves me more than your own life, more than pain, more than heart break. You do. You will never leave me, nor will you forsake me. My Precious King. Here I am... right here.

Right here before you saying I am unworthy of this meeting place. Of this moment. I am unworthy - a sinner I don't belong amidst your presence. Yet, you call it a lie. You have spoken saying that I am adopted, you are the atonement for my sin, masking it all. Erasing it all. Let me just breathe this moment in...





Forgive me for the monotony of my life. For the auto-draft hopes of redemption. You've called me to more than that... to more than just being a check in the mail. You've called me to proclaim... PROCLAIM your words - the good news - to the poor. You're beckoning me to GO and BIND up the brokenhearted wounds. You've commanded me to PROCLAIM freedom and RELEASE prisoners from their darkness. Yet, I sit here - auto-drafting redemption. Auto-drafting hope. My money is doing more than I am... so God, forgive me. Forgive me of hiding behind wealth and prosperity. Forgive me - and here I am now... open arms saying SEND ME! HERE I AM... Send Me. Choose me, because my heart has changed and I want to do more for you, I want to be all for you.

Send me.

Send me to battle alongside you. Whatever that looks like - whatever battle you have chosen to prepare me for, I know, in the sense of not knowing exactly how, that you are preparing me for the fight.  So send me... when you're ready. Not when I think I am, or when I think I am not... but when you, in your infinite knowledge and your glorious plan, are ready.

Amen.

Then it hit me... I'm stepping out today ready, for the first time in a long time - I'm ready.

The Bench-Warmer

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." -J.R.R. Tolkein

Have you ever been a bench warmer? Just sitting on the side-lines, the cheerleader of the team. Everyone else is scoring big time, you on the other hand are "whooping" with a towel in your hand. You are the one who knows all the best cheers, the best time to chant them, and  you are deemed the ultimate hi-5 captain. Then it hits you on your way to the locker room after the game... I wasn't used. Maybe next time. 

You attend all of the practices.

You sweat just as much if not more than the other ones who have the natural talent.

You continue to hope, pray, and wish that the coach will just notice you and possibly allow you a few moments to shine.

Yet, next time comes and you are once again the glorified cheer captain with a jersey on...

(Google Images)

Friends, I have a question for you. Do you ever feel as though you are the bench warmer of life? The one who is stuck on the side-lines, whooping and hollering as everyone else goes off to do glorious assignments for our King?

You're not up on stage leading worship, preaching, flying overseas for mission work months on end. You are not leading a ministry, a life group, or even a prayer group. You are not Beth Moore or James Dobson, as one of my friends joked at church. 

Are you feeling a little left out?

I definitely feel that way.  It's like I want to spell it out with rocks on my front lawn "God, Here I Am. Use ME!"

I wonder what my neighbors might think? What is this crazy lady doing? They would possibly shout, "HEY LOOK! The new neighbor is re-arranging the rocks in her yard!! Must be a city girl thing."

Okay, but with all the seriousness I have in my body at the moment, I really feel left out. I see God doing huge works in everyone's life, starting ministries, adopting children, writing books. Yet, I want to be used so bad by God my heart aches and cries a lot. Obviously, I am very impatient, justifiably so since I feel as though time is being wasted and I want to be in this game, not just sitting here shouting out another cheer.

But God is waiting. He places us on the bench for a reason. On the bench you can study the coach, the team, the plan. You have opportunities to learn and know more about the game, because obviously the coach does not think you are quite yet ready.

God wants you to wait on the sidelines to know more and learn more before he will call you to be used by Him.

So, how do we wait? Well, grab hold tightly to this life-changing truth.

1. Rejoice in Hope

2. Patience in Tribulation

3. Constant in Prayer

(Romans 12:12)

While we are waiting we do the small acts, the acts that actually change the world. The acts of blessing others, sharing with those who are in need, practicing hospitality, clinging to what is good, honoring one another above yourselves, devoting our works to one another... serving the Lord. 

Pass out the towels, cheer on the team, study the plays... serve the coach. 

"John answered, 'Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.'" -Luke 3:11

No MORE! 

No more always wishing we were in the game.

No more thinking we are useless on the sidelines.

No more wasting time!

It's time to study, to prepare yourself for God's use by serving him there on the bench!

How can you share with someone who has nothing? 

Do you have a huge home with spare rooms? 

Or, even a small one with space for a few more faces.

Do you have food that goes to waste every month?

Do you have clothes that do not fit yourself or your children anymore?

Do you have a few extra minutes, a few extra dimes?

Play a game with an orphan... or a neighbor.

Do not waste your time on the sidelines... don't just be a glorified cheerleader either. Get up out of that bench, do something that serves the Lord. 

With All My Heart & Soul

I crave for the love He has for His Son to pour into me so through Him I can pour into others. 

The purpose of a flower isn't just beauty, it's to be attractive, then to go to seed and disperse. The flower doesn't have a choice to live forever, it doesn't have a choice to never wilt or never disperse seeds. Yet, we do. We have the option to be spiritually attractive. We have the option to bloom for God, watered through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and then spread his love to others; to plant the seeds he has handed to us. 

We have a purpose on this Earth, and there is something only YOU can do that no one else can.

Our insecurities, our faults, our fears... if we are fully blooming for Him we remember that perfect love casts out fear.(1 John 4:18) If we are truly showing our colors for his glory we will remember that even the hairs on our head are numbered (Matthew 10:30) and we are worth a lot to Him. Yet, that statement is not solely meant for us to glorify Him for His love for us, it should make us warriors! For He is our King, we should be jumping into our combat boots running after lost souls that He LOVES! 

Searching, 

            planting,

                    allowing Jesus to water.

He makes me want to move, to fight, to love, to never give up. His perfect love, his meticulous love, his generous, thoughtful, sacrificial love... I can't contain it inside knowing how it has changed me, how it has saved me, it has to pour out!

God always makes a way. The cross proves that... but I want to make it easy for him to reach others here on Earth. I want to say, "Do all that you have in mind... Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul" (1 Samuel 14:7). 

Don't you?

Don't you want to jump in, ready for battle, fighting at his right hand?

Do you feel the excitement when you think about what He's already done for us and what He still wants to do?

Keep Their Eyes Above the Waves...

Day 6
Pray that a spirit of fellowship will grow between the persecuted church and the free world. Pray that those who worship in freedom will develop a burden to pray for and serve their persecuted brothers and sisters.

Philippians 3:10
I want to know Christ -- yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

Tonight I just want to bring worship to this prayer.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me [them] out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I [they] find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My[Their] faith will stand

And I [they] will call upon Your name
And keep my [their] eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My [Their] soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am [they are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my [their] guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me [them]
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will [when they]  call upon Your name
And keep my [their] eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My [their] soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am [they are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Spirit lead me [them] where my [their] trust is without borders

Let me [them] walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me [them]
Take me [them] deeper than my [their] feet could ever wander
And my [their] faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my [our] Savior

I will [When they] call upon Your Name
Keep my [their] eyes above the waves
My [Their] soul will rest in Your embrace
I am [They are] Yours and You are mine [theirs]

Lord,

The words of this song is my prayer tonight, but as I change the words from "I" to "Them" in lifting up my persecuted brothers and sisters, I pray that you hear the words and answer the prayer. For as they have been called by you and follow you that they find freedom in you embrace. In this may they find others that are with them in this time and create a fellowship that lifts them up. For we are not made to be alone in trials, and as you does not want man to be alone, let them know that they are prayed for by thousands of other believers. As we are free to worship may our hearts break and be burdened with their trials so that we will offer our all in this free land and free life to those who have to hide their faith in order to continue sharing it. 

For what a blessing it is to be a light in a dark place. To be called to serve you in that capacity, I can only imagine. 

You have enamored me and taught me that those who are shining your light are filled with your light. Their eyes are healthy and whole making their body full or your love and truth, do not let our eyes or theirs become vain or dark. Allow us to continue to seek the truth and look at you to feed our faith (Matthew 6:22-23). 

I want to be in this with them. With my whole heart and soul. For you are a God of compassion, love, and grace. You want to save your creation from a life of darkness so you send out your disciples among the nations to speak your name. Let these disciples know that they are being loved and cared for through prayer and allow the "free" church to find ways to provide for their physical and tangible needs. 

In your name I pray as I lift these words up with my heart,

Amen.

A Lamp Unto My Feet...

About a month ago my new puppy took my bible off of my bed stand and decided to devour the Word of God. She ate the leather cover and tore the thin scripture filled papers into a million pieces. It was beyond repair, and I was seriously devastated. I had underlined, hi-lighted, post-it'ed up that bible for the past eight years and now it was gone. My quick references, vanished... or devoured. But it was easy for me to replace, I just jumped into my car with my husband, drove down to the nearest Christian Book store and picked out a new one.
Simple.
Easy.
Convenient.

And as I sit here reading today's prayer topic, I want to laugh at my histerical self a month ago.... it was NOT the end of the world, for me. I have hundreds, if not thousands, of bibles at my hand all I have to do is log into the internet, go to the closest store, look at my bookshelf. Unfortunately, there is no such convenience for those in the persecuted church. Bibles are often smuggled in to these countries, if you're caught with one  your life could easily be on the line. The sad reality is in our over-abundant country our "conveniences are often overlooked when they should be thought of as blessings instead.

Day 3:
Pray for those providing Bibles and Bible training for the persecuted church. Pray that persecuted Christians in remote areas will gain access to the Bible and Scripture training. Pray for safety for those meeting secretly for training and encouragement, and pray that their deeper understanding of Scripture will enable them to reach others for Christ.

2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness...


Lord,

I do not know the feeling of going without your word being tangible, right here at my fingertips. I do not know what it's like to have to hide your word, to really call it sacred because of the scarcity and the repercussions to be caught with it. I have been guilty of taking your word for granted and making its importance non-existent at times. Lord, as you open my eyes to the things unseen from the warmth of my chair, I plead that those who are secretly being trained in your word in dark rooms, that your word is imprinted on their hearts. For their bibles are a luxury, and few and far in between. Lord that your keep the scripture pure in their minds, that it is not tampered with in any way, remembered only as you want it to be known.

As they dive into your word, open their eyes, ears, and hearts to the learning of your word. Let the training come easily for them as they understand your word deeper than they ever thought imaginable. Your word is alive and active, let it penetrate their souls. Allow them access to the knowledge you hold, enough for them to confidently shine your light knowing your word is inside their hearts. God, your word is flawless, and in that it is a shield for those whom take refuge in you.

This I beg of you, be with them in the secret, in the quiet places. Let your word shine for them.
Amen.