Shine

Something about last night stirred my heart.

As many of you already know, there was the Super Moon Lunar Eclipse.

I joined the millions of onlookers and stood out on my back porch with eyes pinned on the ever fading moon. The shadow pressing in minute after minute, suddenly my heart began to break. I wanted to scream, "STOP!" at the creeping dark, yet I knew that it was impossible to prevent the shadow from overtaking the light.

The minutes ticked by, my breath keeping a steady rhythm, my eyes lifted in apprehension, and then the sun finally caste the earth's shadow fully upon the moon. The nighttime satellite that reflects the light from the sun was momentarily separated from its power source - the earth its barrier.

As my gaze fell in dismay back to the land my feet stood upon, ashamed that where I was caused this darkness, a joy, an unspeakable joy quickly poured into my soul as my eyes drew back up and caught a glimpse of a rim of light pressing out of the darkness.

For the light shines in darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

As that verse spiraled through my mind, down to my heart, reaching my soul a chuckle burst up to my lips and a tear streamed down my cheek.  My heart perfectly romanced by the King. He whispered softly in the breeze as my soul sensed his presence, "you are never alone".

Never alone.

Humbled, I stood in reverence.
In awe of a King who called me victorious.
In awe of a King  who finds me courageous.
In awe of a King who handles this universe, and still doesn't miss a moment with his children.

The darkness of this world tries avidly to overwhelm my sensitive soul - even yours. With the shadow it casts upon us, upon our hearts, and our lives. Many of us want to run and scream, "I surrender," but then our valiant King charges in and proclaims that he shines brightest in the darkest places.

Oh! I believe that He stands out stronger when the darkness tries to hide him from us.
He illuminates our pathways,
he sanctifies our dying fire and kindles it into a burning flame,
he ignites what's written on our souls and sends us into this shadow of a world to radiate His truth for His glory!

That's why I love this verse so much, it says "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." Matthew 10:27

God does use darkness for his glory, to speak to us, to show his power, magnify his strength, and fuel a light in us so that we might go forth and proclaim his truths from the rooftops!

Let's learn from nature and heed God's word. "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ." 2 Cor. 4:6

Let our light's shine <3

Beautiful. Flawless. Brave. Courageous.... Victorious.

Some moments are meant to share while others are meant to keep in your heart.

I obviously haven't learned the difference. 

I am a sharer - if that is even a word.

God knows that, and unfortunately so does the enemy.

Thus the enemy attacks me secretly in such a way that I do not even notice what is holding me back.

In the past few months, I have been hitting this black wall.

A black wall of what to do next.

A path with no light.

I am an arms wide open "JESUS USE ME!" woman, and this darkness hurt.

Frustrated.

Confused.

Anxious.

I had no idea what to make of it.

Then two wise women in God's council pointed out through prayer -

we have to shine light on this darkness to find the next step.

Ask God, "What is this darkness - name it."

He did.

"You hold me responsible for your Papaw's death, because I did not heal him."

I did.

I cried.

Unknowingly, I held the maker of the heavens and earth - my papaw and me, responsible.

An unknown, secret hate drifted inwards - deep into my soul.

Satan had a foothold.

This hurts. 

This feeling of secretly being held captive.

I had written a few days prior to this that I knew the truth about who God was -

but did I believe it?

I knew that he is, 

"The God who moves mountains,

the one who melts the gates of bronze.

He destroys the chains of iron

that bind my grasping arms."

Did I believe it?

Naming the darkness reopened a harsh wound.

Naming it shone light on how ugly the wound had become...

not healing, but festering, contaminating every part of my relationship with my Lord.

But his love, grace, and mercy -

his forgiveness for my unforgiveness, for my grudge

cleaned this wound...

binding it with oils and medicine that would allow it to heal properly.

The healing began.

There I was in a vision.

A vision of being on a mountaintop with Jesus.

He lifted my gaze to the stars with the gentle touch of his hand.

I was in love, heart exploding, head over heels... 

then it was gone.

More darkness.

One more.

One that has bound me for years, 

one I was afraid and ashamed of - 

but a new me woke out of bed today.

A new me that believes she is 

victorious,

a conquerer, 

beautiful,

and strong.

This one last darkness that was preventing me from stepping forward,

painful,

raw -

gluttony and purging.

I'm not afraid to admit it... 

like I was for so many years

if it brings one person hope that it can be overcome.

If it shines light in one person's darkness.

I am not afraid because I am brave and made whole.

This sin that bound me for so long,

my Good - Good father has seen every tear it brought,

every angry cry.

Yet, last night He gave me a new name,

a new vision of who I am.

He told me that he is enthralled

ENTHRALLED

by my beauty. (Psalm 46:11)

That I am altogether beautiful

there is no flaw in me (Song of Songs 4:7)

No shame can scar me.

There is no flaw in me.

When he washed my feet and said you are forgiven,

when he showed me a vision of a flower standing strong and tall,

I knew that my beauty was in his hands.

My body is a temple, 

one I was trying to control so tightly it began to crumble in my grasp.

The chains broke.

The cage of bronze melted.

I was free, running after my Jesus.

Both hands wrapped in his, 

and I was walking. 

Walking fully encompassed with his presence

fully consumed with his power.

My eyes would not leave his -

this means...

they finally left the ground

left the hate and self despise behind.

I was freed.

Freedom comes when you're ready to let go.

Even of hindrances you're unaware of...

like me, who now walks down a once dark path
fully captivated by who He is,

instead of what I'm not.

How Stepping Out Began.. Because Hiding Isn't Justified Anymore

Today was just an ordinary day.
4:45 roll out of bed.
4:50 run and turn the truck on - heater cranked up.
4:59 out the door
5:14 arrive at Crossfit
6:07 run 2 miles
6:35 rinse off, dress for work
7:01 quick stop for breakfast (friday treat)
7:13 arrive at my desk - throw my stuff down.
7:15 my favorite part of the day.

Quiet.
Head bowed.
Jesus? Do you hear me? I'm here, I've been waiting for this moment. I crave it every day. This quiet time before the rush. Can I just sit here with you and breathe... just take in your peace.











You refresh me. You do. You're glorious, my Savior. You, yes you are the one who is ALL Mighty. Who is beautiful. Who has legions of angels at his beckon call. You are the one who loves me more than your own life, more than pain, more than heart break. You do. You will never leave me, nor will you forsake me. My Precious King. Here I am... right here.

Right here before you saying I am unworthy of this meeting place. Of this moment. I am unworthy - a sinner I don't belong amidst your presence. Yet, you call it a lie. You have spoken saying that I am adopted, you are the atonement for my sin, masking it all. Erasing it all. Let me just breathe this moment in...





Forgive me for the monotony of my life. For the auto-draft hopes of redemption. You've called me to more than that... to more than just being a check in the mail. You've called me to proclaim... PROCLAIM your words - the good news - to the poor. You're beckoning me to GO and BIND up the brokenhearted wounds. You've commanded me to PROCLAIM freedom and RELEASE prisoners from their darkness. Yet, I sit here - auto-drafting redemption. Auto-drafting hope. My money is doing more than I am... so God, forgive me. Forgive me of hiding behind wealth and prosperity. Forgive me - and here I am now... open arms saying SEND ME! HERE I AM... Send Me. Choose me, because my heart has changed and I want to do more for you, I want to be all for you.

Send me.

Send me to battle alongside you. Whatever that looks like - whatever battle you have chosen to prepare me for, I know, in the sense of not knowing exactly how, that you are preparing me for the fight.  So send me... when you're ready. Not when I think I am, or when I think I am not... but when you, in your infinite knowledge and your glorious plan, are ready.

Amen.

Then it hit me... I'm stepping out today ready, for the first time in a long time - I'm ready.

Falling in Love with Jesus - Exclusivity [Fall Series #3]

I remember the struggle I had the moment I realized that I needed to be exclusive with Jesus. He had been silently whispering to my heart, deny yourself. Deny yourself. Deny yourself. 

The moment I stopped giving him the cold shoulder and I had an "eye-to-eye" conversation that spiraled into a gut-wrenching crying fest, I began to realize that he doesn't just want me on Sundays, or during worship time.  No! He wants me all the time.

To understand how exclusive he wanted our relationship to be he began to show me glimpses of how he had always been with me throughout my life, whether or not I acknowledged him.

He was there holding me as I cried in the make-shift clubhouse when my best friend in the whole world, Brittany, had moved away unexpectantly. There he was in the form of a lady I babysat for taking me shopping for prom. There he was as a mentor guiding me towards freedom from the past.

As Jesus began to reveal himself, my pride in who he is began to grow. I wanted to be with him more and more. So I decide, taking up my cross [willingly denying myself and "dying" to my former life] was the least I could do for all he has done for me.

I knew I could lose some close friends, lose my reputation, and depending on where he sends me, my life.

Although the consequences were known, I began to walk with him anyway. I began praying for eyes to see the wounds this world so timidly wore behind the nearly perfected facade. That is when he sent me to Romania, a place I never thought I would be, I did not even know where it was on the map. Fear began to creep slowly in, yet it only drew me further and further into his presence. While I was there he straightened out who I was to him.

I was set apart. Ephesians 1:4
I was chosen. 1 Peter 2:9
I was redeemed. Galatians 5:1
I was made new. Galatians 2:20, Colossians 3:10, 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am here to tell you Jesus wants the same for you! He wants you to become exclusive with him, so he can show you exactly who you are to him. So write down who you are to him; review the love letter from your Prince.

Know that you are precious to Jesus. 
Remember that he adores you.

Find time today to sit in Jesus's presence and define your relationship with him. You have passed through the uncertainty into the option of living exclusively for him. Just be warned... once you decide to live purely for his glory, there is no turning back. 
However, trust me... it's worth it!

* * * * *

I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back. No turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow.
Though none go with me, I still will follow.
Though none go with me, I still will follow.
No turning back. No turning back.

Falling in Love with Jesus - Uncertainty [Fall Series #2]

I remember sitting on her couch as she raved on about her new boyfriend. You see, my sweet girl friend had been waiting very patiently for God to show her the man he had in store for her life. I was obviously thrilled for her, but as she began to spill more details describing how this love story began to unfold, I began to see the uncertainty creeping in to the conversation. Was he the right one? Did he pursue her as much as she pursued him? Would it work out in the end?

Uncertainty challenges us to move from just attraction to examining our hearts and our desires.

What does this person have to offer?

A few days after I was a goner for this man named Jesus, I began to question myself and who he was with what he had to offer. Would falling in love with him be worth it? Giving up the life I once led, partying, crazy happy hours, gossiping, complaining, lying, anger, hatred, and much more. Would he really be worth the change, the exclusivity? I knew it would be difficult but I had to understand for myself, just exactly who is Jesus?

So I made my list:

His mouth is full of sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.
(Song of Songs 5:16)
Life without him will cause you to never be satisfied or fulfilled.
(John 4:13)
He completes your joy.
(John 15:11)
He is going away, then coming back for you. He is going to his father to prepare a place for you [A complete love story, right!]
(John 14:28)
He laid down his life for those who loved him.
(2 Corinthians 5:21)
Life without him will cause you to never be satisfied or fulfilled.
(John 4:13)

For me, this was enough to stifle any lingering uncertainty.  All my desires could be, and would be, met by Jesus. So I stepped out of the uncertainty and slowly climbed up on my Prince's white horse ready to be swept away from the chains of doubt. My past had no foothold against the truths.  My friends, this is where I began to tumble... madly, deeply, and incandescently in love with Jesus.

Some thoughts for you:
Are you unsure if you want to trade your past for your future life with Jesus?
What quality traits about him stamp out any of your fears?
Look up some of the verses I listed above, how does Jesus show his all consuming grace and love to you in those passages?